I am feeling tired again today and decided to give myself the day off. No heavy lifting today, mulching, digging etc.
 I was thinking of going to another luncheon today, but I slept in past 9:30 and couldn't get it together in time to go.
 Delaware Hospice sponsors a luncheon every Thursday at various restaurants in Sussex Co, this week's being at a diner in Long Neck which is about 25 minutes from here. It is a less formal setting so I think I will try to make it next week.
 I feel that  am truly benefiting from the group and it is helping me to put other aspects of my life together.
 Grief is not just sadness, it is confusion. lack of concentration, sometimes guilt, anger and an entire range of other emotions.
 It explains a lot of feelings I have been having for years going back to the passing of Daddy, and later Lou and Mom only 6 weeks apart.
 I never was able to fully grieve those deaths because they were so close together..overwhelming...I just felt hopeless, useless, and stopped caring about myself.I was hurting but I didn't know how to deal with it..
 I couldn't even bring myself to help clean out my Mother's house because I would get caught up in just looking at her stuff and wondering why she chose to keep certain things. I would sit on the floor and cry. Jim did not offer to participate at all and that hurt me too.
 I think my self esteem plummeted when Jim didn't recognize my depression and inability to leave the house to look for work. I was frozen in fear of rejection and I could not bear another rejection/loss.
 I was not able to accept myself as a responsible desirable loving person. He pushed me away. He showed no affection.I sunk lower and lower.
 It became much worse when Betty became ill and moved in. Jim did not discuss it with me, it was a take it or leave it deal because "That's what the Sanders do", in the words of my biggest critic who literally did nothing to help.
 That is where the deep resentment started. Some days I hated Jim for not getting it. Our lives changed so dramatically. We stopped socializing, going out to dinner or even watching TV together. We tried therapy, but he did nothing to contribute to bring us closer. We had many angry and hateful exchanges during this time Betty did nothing to allow us some private space together. 24/7 She was in the middle of our lives no more that 10 ft. away at all times.
 I loved Betty for the sweet person she was but she was meddlesome. She dominated Jim's life over OUR life together and it became an ongoing issue.
 At one point I asked her to leave as she was not in critical condition, showing no ill effects of the treatment and was still driving, shopping and walking the dog daily. She did, but then she chose to have an unnecessary surgery which even the Oncologist discouraged as her quality of life was still good.
 She never regained her strength after that, and she truly need us then. I understood that, and I accepted her with love and compassion. I cared for her until the end, with the help of Delaware Hospice when she finally surrendered. The only time I saw the granddaughters was when her sisters were coming down to say goodbye. That's when they showed up...good photo op.
  Now I am beginning to understand why I was/am such a wreck..I was grieving all this time. Then with Jim's diagnosis and the 5 long years of up and down I am amazed I am standing at all....
 I am hoping to put Joy back in my life..

I attended the second Support group meeting today.
It has been very beneficial to be with a group going throught similar experiences.
There were some new people today, and some missing but it was still on spot because the Facilitator is excellent.
 So, I know it is OK to feel tired, greiving is exhausting. It's OK to be unfocused and unable to concentrate that is normal...as well as confusion..fear..inability to finish anything..anger, unexpected attacks of grief ..
 The only thing I don't feel is guilt or regret. I truly believe that Jim loved me as much as I loved him and in the end he recognized my devotion and his needs.
 I am also letting go of the other anger....their problem to resolve..

I really feel tired today. I have been doing housecleaning and hung some curtains the other day to brighten up the TV room. The floor is hard and getting up and down on a ladder isn't as easy as it once was so my legs are achy from that.
 I also got some errands done like getting extra keys made and buying larger pots for my re potting project happening in the living room, as well as stopping at the bank and taking care of paperwork for insurance and Tax purposes. Even though these are simple tasks, they exhaust me. I also saw Dr G yesterday and shared with her the great experience I had with the support group. I think we got through the entire session with no tears. Now that I have had some space, I am allowing myself to remember some of Jim's not so good traits and accept them as well. I know he was no saint and I want to remember him for the real person he was.
 I am learning a lot from them and the Facilitator and that all of my feelings are normal symptoms of grief..so I am trying to accept my fatigue and forgiving myself for not getting everything done that I plan in a day.
 Taking care of myself is something I've never been good at doing so this is an adventure of sorts...#1 finding out WHO I am, and how to fix me. I am certainly hoping yo make some new friends from this group.
 Hopefully today I will find the energy to haul lots of Jim's papers up to Millsboro for a shredding event at the credit union. I have boxes of old reports and such to dispose of.
 I had a disturbing dream last night, I was in some sort of a facility with other women and had a room with 2 or 3 roommates. That seemed acceptable to me  Then I was moved to a large room full of women and given space on the floor with them. It was like a homeless shelter. I dare say it scared me but them I remembered that I had not taken my Trazadone which I normally do at night. It keeps the bad dreams away and relieves the nighttime anxiety. :-)

Looking forward to the workshop on Loss which I am attending this afternoon.
I am feeling more like being around people lately. I hope it will be satisfying and helpful.
My lawn guy is here, and he has offered to trim all the trees out front for a reasonable price.
That will be a real improvement to the appearance of the house. Some of the branches are so low that he cuts himself riding under them.
 He appears to be quite handy so I may pay him to repair the shed and the soffit on the house.
 Things are coming together a bit...at least for today.

Tomorrow I am joining a 6 week support group on healing after the loss of a loved one.
I hope I can relate to the others attending. The Facilitator said I was a young widow so that was interesting.
The best part is that the group meets in Millsboro so I won't have to travel far.
I am also continuing to see Dr. G. She was so kind to attend Jim's memorial service and actually took some great pictures. I started seeing her again last week, mostly for a shoulder to cry on.
 I've been thinking a lot about Jim's and my relationship and how it had changed over the years.
 We started out as a dream, accomplices to fill the hole of loneliness which was in both of our lives. We loved each other so much that the flaws in both of us were not so obvious.
We laughed together, cried together,  traveled together, loved a lot, invested in a home together and never foresaw the future as turning out the way it unfolded.. It was not what I had imagined.
 First,  Lou becoming ill and being diagnosed as terminal was devastating, but what was more shocking to me was Jim's arranging for him to stay here, in our new home to die. I was in Baltimore assisting Jennie with her health issues while Jim had Jody and Prudence re arrange our living room so that hospice could set up a bed in there...What was he thinking?? A fully staffed hospital could barely handle Lou . He had to be restrained in bed, yet Jim thought he and Betty could manage this....and I was not even consulted...all I was told was that Lou was coming home...I thought HIS HOME which was/is less that 1 mile away.
But Jim liked to make things easy on himself without a thought to how it would affect me/us and our relationship. Thank God Lou passed away in the hospital on the day he was to be discharged..
 I have to confess that this episode was the beginning of deep anger on my part which grew to a resentment through the following years.. Jim drank heavily back then, and was at times verbally abusive and occasionally physically.
By the time Betty moved in with us (way too prematurely since she had recovered from her 1st surgery and was fully able to drive, walk the dog etc). I was really steaming. All the work was on me. I cooked, I cleaned  and entertained her while Jim went about his days spending time at the office and with customers.
I had no outlet for my feelings. The people I shared them with ie Jim, his daughters and Jody could not understand why I felt the way I did..."IT's Family", they said and I was a monster for complaining.
 I Rarely if ever saw any of them come to visit her until the month she died and Mikey brought her Sisters down to say Goodbye...Don't you know the girls showed up for the Photo Op...Go figure
Meanwhile  Jim withheld any affection towards me, holding hands,  touching , kissing.....I got nothing. I was becoming a shrew..I just let myself go ...what did it matter anyway...?
 When Betty became terminal Jim abandoned our bed to sleep on a cot in her room. After she passed, we never slept together again.
 Now for the last 5 years I have stayed by his side during his demise...it's been one thing after another..his hard hardheadedness, and lack of responsibility affected his life and his health. I watched him sit by and waste much of Betty's Estate from sheer laziness.
Our relationship became one more of dependence which I know he hated.and I at times I resented, but I was committed to him and tried my best to fill his needs. The Monday Morning Quarterbacks can think what they will but I did the best I could to live up to my post.
Recently I was reminded by none other than Prudence that "This is what we Sanders do, we take care of each other"...and I couldn't help wondering when and where did she ever take care of anyone but herself.
And Big Sister, who knows everything and cannot have a conversation with me without it turning into an interrogation, has clearly never liked me from day one so no love lost there.I overheard her on speakerphone one morning when Jim was up early . I lingered on the steps as she was relaying a litany of my sins to him regarding my care for him. That was really something to hear from a woman whose husband chose to die rather than live with her.
 Those 2 never made our life easier, and what they don't know is that Jim was on to them. He knew who Prudence was...her carelessness, drug and alcohol abuse, Joell, married into a family  which she chose over her own..Jim chose me to share his life and I did.
 The last few months had been smother sailing for us somehow. The wound was finally healing but then the C Dif became the major complaint, and NO Joell...it has nothing to do with cleanliness it is a bacterial infection.
Jim also became more affectionate...leaning over in the car and thanking me for helping him., and kissing me.
He also said he loved me on several occasions, and my heart is breaking now that he is gone and I know I will never see him again...Thank you Jim for sharing the last 20 years with me. I will always love you

 

July 4

Yesterday was the 4th of July and for some unexplained reason I found myself having a tough day.
Maybe it was just the fact that it was a holiday but I know that we haven't done anything special for several years due to Jim's ill health and general lack of interest. I started weeping, them sobbing at times, and I just couldn't shake it off.
 Part of it was due to the fact the Bitsy, Beau's mother and outside feral cat had disappeared for 2 days, but my heart lifted when I saw her walking across the patio, or should i say limping. She has had a broken foot and missing tail for several years now. which is why I worry about her. She has been spayed so I can't imagine why she takes off like that unless something scared her or, in my active imagination, she is still connected to her colony and they needed her for something, like being a midwife.
 At any rate, she gobbled up a bowl of food, the proceeded to nap under a bush for most of the afternoon.
 I also was reliving 4ths from the past, being a kid at the shore and having company, steamed crabs and fireworks on the water. Having the family over on Mom Mom's patio for a cookout and crab soup when the kids were little,  having a family party here on our patio and dragging lawn chairs across the road to watch fireworks from the Church of God's Huge display which has been discontinued as well.
 .I was flooded with emotions for much of the day, missing former friends, our parents and of course Jim.
 I felt compelled to do something. so I hung a bunting on the Tiki Bar outside and came inside to shower and cool off.
 The afternoon was better. I piddled around which is about all i am capable of these days...can't seem to concentrate on one task.I had planned ahead for a special dinner and treated myself to some crab legs, BUTTER. and corn on the cob..surprisingly satisfying,
 By nightfall I was tired and chose a TV show which due to some cable glitch I could not access...so I watched Avatar, which I had never seen, and thoroughly enjoyed that.
 End of story...