Wow...having a scary day here in DE with the hurricane and such but yesterday had an real anxiety attack or some thing which woke me up in the Wee hours ...bad dreams....dreaming about Titanic ..and the scene where the old people laid down in bed and hugged...and the one when the family went to sleep together...and I felt so alone.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
I am having a bad weekend. All of this stress is catching up with me.
Jim is improving daily, but really resents me because he is so dependent on me.
His anger flares up at the slightest thing, and I get sucked into an argument before i know it.
I try not to have hurt feelings, but asking Jim for affirmation or affection is like asking him to violate all of his principles.
He finds me "needy" and compares me to his company manager who is the biggest Ass hole in the world but is constantly looking for an "Attaboy" pat on the back. He also plots against Jim at every turn.
I just like to know if something I cooked tastes good, or if he likes something I've done for him. I am a people pleaser and i don't understand why he can't accept that and work with it.
He now is convinced that I am a narcissus......ME...the person with no identity or life to speak of.
It is just nice to know that you are appreciated. i am worn out. My days are filled with his needs.
I hope this brain injury heals. I cannot imagine living my life this way for a long period of time.
Jim is improving daily, but really resents me because he is so dependent on me.
His anger flares up at the slightest thing, and I get sucked into an argument before i know it.
I try not to have hurt feelings, but asking Jim for affirmation or affection is like asking him to violate all of his principles.
He finds me "needy" and compares me to his company manager who is the biggest Ass hole in the world but is constantly looking for an "Attaboy" pat on the back. He also plots against Jim at every turn.
I just like to know if something I cooked tastes good, or if he likes something I've done for him. I am a people pleaser and i don't understand why he can't accept that and work with it.
He now is convinced that I am a narcissus......ME...the person with no identity or life to speak of.
It is just nice to know that you are appreciated. i am worn out. My days are filled with his needs.
I hope this brain injury heals. I cannot imagine living my life this way for a long period of time.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
I was listening to NPR the other day and heard the end of an interview that Terry Gross did with Gary Shteyugart who is a writer and authored a humorous novel about the future of the USA. The show was a rebroadcast so the book has been out fotr a while. The future is bleak, with our country having only one political party and the ability to read has vanished because we don't need to, other than texting on the Iphone. It is a love story
He is a Jewish immigrant from the USSR and like all Jewish humorists and/or comedians he carries that guilt around , that fear of not being good enough, and the persecution that is almost inborn. Sound familiar?
I was not an immigrant, nor was I raised by a Jewish family, but I share in his feelings just the same.
The remark that got me interested enough to come home an play the entire podcast was a statement he made about what he learned in therapy.
In the end, we become our own parents in addition to all the stuff we've added by trying not to be like them.
Isn't that funny? I totally relate and have these truly Jennie moments especially the impatience of dealing with my partner who has become somewhat slower than he was.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Vacation
With the appearance of sunshine ( at last) and rising temperatures, I realize that it is Spring, and that Summer is indeed approaching.
I feel like my family feels forced to spend their free time here, not that I mind at all, nor that it is a bad destination being a resort town, but that it is more of an obligation than a vacation, and not as enjoyable as a real vacation should be.
That is the price we pay for the distance between us all year round and our desire to spend time together.
I am suggesting that perhaps this summer, we could all rent a big house, on the beach in North Carolina and all have a change of view. Rental Property is much more affordable than here.
Ant thoughts?
I feel like my family feels forced to spend their free time here, not that I mind at all, nor that it is a bad destination being a resort town, but that it is more of an obligation than a vacation, and not as enjoyable as a real vacation should be.
That is the price we pay for the distance between us all year round and our desire to spend time together.
I am suggesting that perhaps this summer, we could all rent a big house, on the beach in North Carolina and all have a change of view. Rental Property is much more affordable than here.
Ant thoughts?
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Saturday after surgery
It has been a peaceful day here at the rehab center aka HOME!
I woke up around 8:30 after a good night's sleep, made coffee, instant oatmeal and took my meds all before Jim came home from his treatment.
The PT came around 1PM and once the torture ended, I grabbed the vicotin, the ice pack and crashed back in bed.
It seems to be the most comfortable spot to be in when I want to alleviate bending my knee. Other than the D.Room chair with arms there are no other seats high enough not to cause a pull when I stand.
The sofa is way too low and hard to negotiate, but not to worry. I have mission control set up in my room, with my notebook computer, DVD player and TV along with my phones and cats.
Jim has been great, absolutely stellar, keeping my water glass full and helping with the ice packs.
Currently I am sitting in the office, paying some bills, and about to move to the kitchen table for dinner.....Yumm....Dungeness Crabs.
We've been smart about food. Yesterday the rotisserie chickens were on sale so he bought 2, ate 1 for supper, and I still have one to pick for salad or soup or pot pie. We have meat for sandwiches, cans of good soup, and yogurts for dessert.
We meet up for meals and go on our seperate ways to watch sports or drama.(After all, it is MARCH!!!)
What a perfect relationship....I feel like Laura Lippman and Davis Simon.
BTW, I watched Eat Pray Love and enjoyed it. It could be the drugs, but then again I like Lifetime movies. I also watched Wall Street 2, which was predictable but entertaining. I am off of politics for today and that was too close to truth.
When I was on the Ortho floor, one of the Aides was shocked that I was the only patient not watching American Idol. I took pride in that!
I woke up around 8:30 after a good night's sleep, made coffee, instant oatmeal and took my meds all before Jim came home from his treatment.
The PT came around 1PM and once the torture ended, I grabbed the vicotin, the ice pack and crashed back in bed.
It seems to be the most comfortable spot to be in when I want to alleviate bending my knee. Other than the D.Room chair with arms there are no other seats high enough not to cause a pull when I stand.
The sofa is way too low and hard to negotiate, but not to worry. I have mission control set up in my room, with my notebook computer, DVD player and TV along with my phones and cats.
Jim has been great, absolutely stellar, keeping my water glass full and helping with the ice packs.
Currently I am sitting in the office, paying some bills, and about to move to the kitchen table for dinner.....Yumm....Dungeness Crabs.
We've been smart about food. Yesterday the rotisserie chickens were on sale so he bought 2, ate 1 for supper, and I still have one to pick for salad or soup or pot pie. We have meat for sandwiches, cans of good soup, and yogurts for dessert.
We meet up for meals and go on our seperate ways to watch sports or drama.(After all, it is MARCH!!!)
What a perfect relationship....I feel like Laura Lippman and Davis Simon.
BTW, I watched Eat Pray Love and enjoyed it. It could be the drugs, but then again I like Lifetime movies. I also watched Wall Street 2, which was predictable but entertaining. I am off of politics for today and that was too close to truth.
When I was on the Ortho floor, one of the Aides was shocked that I was the only patient not watching American Idol. I took pride in that!
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Pre Birthday thoughts
Mentally Preparing for my upcoming surgery which has now been scheduled for Monday, 3 days sooner than expected.
What a weekend for me:-)...Big Birthday and all.
And as If we weren't already stressing about the date changing, and Jim having to rearrange his dialysis appointments, We. got a call from U of Md. about a possible transplant.
Like before, it was just a fire drill but the angst of waiting for the call back is paralyzing. What can you do but sit still. Should we pack a bag, fix dinner, call a cat sitter?
I hate to sound selfish, but I was relieved when they didn't call back. Just let me get through this step before we start on that one.
What a weekend for me:-)...Big Birthday and all.
And as If we weren't already stressing about the date changing, and Jim having to rearrange his dialysis appointments, We. got a call from U of Md. about a possible transplant.
Like before, it was just a fire drill but the angst of waiting for the call back is paralyzing. What can you do but sit still. Should we pack a bag, fix dinner, call a cat sitter?
I hate to sound selfish, but I was relieved when they didn't call back. Just let me get through this step before we start on that one.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
I am feeling more and more like Andy Rooney every day.
I found an old newspaper ad from 2001 for canned tuna ...3 cans for $1, OK, it wasn't for white albacore or anything like that but now you find the same product on sale, sometimes, at 2 for $1.
The difference is that the cans are significantly smaller, can barely make 1 sandwich
Same with Ice cream...there are no longer 1/2 gallons , even though they are giving the consumer the image and run frequent sales to give the illusion of savings, even though most of us shy away from this, ( although it is a treat, and purchased sparingly in my household.
So, I received my Medicare card last week. i am of the generation who payed in on every paycheck I ever received. I don't consider this an entitlement, I see it as money I contributed towards a secure future.
I'll see how it works starting tomorrow!!
I found an old newspaper ad from 2001 for canned tuna ...3 cans for $1, OK, it wasn't for white albacore or anything like that but now you find the same product on sale, sometimes, at 2 for $1.
The difference is that the cans are significantly smaller, can barely make 1 sandwich
Same with Ice cream...there are no longer 1/2 gallons , even though they are giving the consumer the image and run frequent sales to give the illusion of savings, even though most of us shy away from this, ( although it is a treat, and purchased sparingly in my household.
So, I received my Medicare card last week. i am of the generation who payed in on every paycheck I ever received. I don't consider this an entitlement, I see it as money I contributed towards a secure future.
I'll see how it works starting tomorrow!!
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