I have been journaling lately with a Pen so I haven't been blogging much. Unfortunately my desktop computer has been a PITA so mostly I use my notebook for FB and email.
It's amazing how terrible my handwriting has gotten from not using it much anymore aside from addresing envelopes and signing checks.
At any rate, I don't know how to describe my feeling after 5 months withour Jim. It is very lonely. I am still overwhelmed by thoughts of downsizing and moving which is inevitable but not urgent. The big yard sale will have to wait for the spring, and currently my main concern is keeping warm since the temps have dropped suddenly and dontcha know my heat is not kicking on. I have been waiting for service since Wednesday but I am grateful that I have baseboard electric which works in some rooms, a space heater for the LR and heavy blankets for the BR. I personally love cold sheets, but it is too chilly for one leg out :-).
Overall I am in good spirits and have been stepping out with my Bereavement friends at the luncheons and drop in meetings. I still cry every day over the dumbest reminders of Jim, and sometimes actually break down and wail, for no apparent reason...just a release I guess.
I had my 2011, 12 taxes done yesterday and will be mailing them as soon as I get a mortgage statement from BOA. Mary Ann would not accept payment for processing them since in 2013 we will be starting fresh with none of Jim's BS. I was very grateful for that, we both cried, and since I sent some payment in for both years, I think, I don't owe anything.
I still feel lazy. like I am not doing enough, but I think I am still exhausted from the stress of the last 4 years of caregiving, chauffering, cooking, nursing, cleaning etc. I have been taking marathon breaks catching up on Homeland, Dexter and other shows I have missed. I cook almost every day for myself, as that is my therapy and now
My elderly lady friends want me to cook for them, they are in Lewes and not close by, so I am not sure how that would work.
I was invited to stay later after the lunch this week and have coffee with the Hospice Volunteers and that was an honor. They didn't realy know mw so I shared my story and of course received hugs and we all shared tears. I think I may have stumbled onto the "Cougar" faction of the group but they are fun and closer to my age.
I have signed up for a few lectures /luncheons that are held in Milford by a Psychologist everyone calls Dr. Judy. One of them is "Surviving the Holidays" which I know will be tough this year. Another one i am looking forward to is Healing your inner child. Boy, do I ever need that!!! I am on a road to discovering myself...
In my effort to heal I am going back through that old crap I carry around and doing some house cleaning.
Anger is an issue I now have because I don't think I was ever allowed to express it as a child. Now it comes spouting out of me like lava and I am trying to let it go. Everyone who has hurt me has their own issues, which probably have nothing to do with me.
I did a great job caring for Jim even if it was more than hard sometimes. I did it out of love and compassion and I am glad that things between us got a lot softer towards the end. I know he loved me and trusted me more than anyone in his life. Posted by Leslie Wardell at 4:42 PM No comments: Location

Sunday morning
Woke up slowly after a restless night's sleep. The mornings are rough for me as I still have that fear of coming downstairs to face whatever occurred during the night, then remembering that Jim is gone.
This morning I missed the Sunday morning ritual of his making the coffee and maybe going out to buy the Sunpaper.
These were some of our finest days. We would watch the morning talk shows, have a big breakfast and he would honker down for a day of sports events on TV. and I would piddle around in the kitchen planning dinner and later working on the crossword puzzle while watching Lifetime TV or a movie.
These are the moments when I loved our life together the most. The quiet times with no stress or distress.
I had many dreams last night and in one, we had gone out for dinner and the waitres couldn't find our check. I waited for her to produce it while he went out to the car to wait. There was still some problem and I told her I needed to pay it immediately because my husband wasn't feeling well, well actully I said he was dead......very strange...and the meal was unreasonably expensive.

Back from my trip to Atlanta and feeling very tired today, but energized.I am going to skip the luncheon today because I don't feel like driving to Milton. I think I am going to chill and unpack.
The flight from Charlotte was late taking off so by the time I get home it was almost 11PM. The fur babies were excited to see me and I think I saw Beau smile.
Haven't seen Bitsy though, but she had pooped in the litter box so I know shw's been around.
It is a beautiful day here, temps in the 70's which is a great improvement over the weather in Hotlanta..I could not keep makeup on my face at all due to the humidity and heat.
It was wonderful to spend time with the kids..

Sunday Morning,
I woke up this morning feeling somewhat lighter in spirit....Beau was meowing, saying good morning and forcing his head under my arm so I could rub him, Lulu was waiting in the door way, Mouse was on the stairs and the sun was shining.
I checked in the laundry room, and Bitsy was sitting on her pillow looking at me through the glass window.
I hesitate to say I feel good, but I feel like I have turned another corner.I don't feel as anxious as I have been.
I am feeling hopeful for the moment and starting to get excited about my visit...wow, The Atlanta Speedway WooHoo..

Suddenly I realized that I need to get organized for my trip to Atlanta. At least it gives me something different to do.
I am anxious but I am feeling that fear daily. I notice it mostly in the morning when I first open my eyes and remember what has transpired. Of course, when Jim was sick I felt the same way only with a sense of dread and fear of what I would find when I came downstairs. Some days he was up and about ready to go to dialysis. Other days he was still asleep with the alarm blaring. I just never knew what to expect.
I am also remembering the really bad times in our relationship, before he became so ill and dependent.
Jim was no angel, especially when he was drinking heavily, and I didn't think I could ever forgive him for making life changing decisions in regards to his family without discussion, like my opinion was irrelavant and I didn't exist...Bringing both of his parents to our new home to die was not in my game plan but Jim could not see outside the box. I am grateful that Lou passed away before he was discharged but all of the equipment was in place here, the hospital bed and oxygen, etc. He had Prudence and Jody come into our house and move the furniture while I was in Baltimore attending to My Mother's needs..I was furious...
We had some horrible arguments and said hurtful things to one another. Several times it became physical, not beating but pushing and throwing things. I was very unhappy, disappointed in my partner, as he was with me for not being Melanie from "Gone with the Wind", but I was hurt and sad and I felt his loyalties were misplaced..
Looking back, I don't think I realized how depressed I was. I was so down I couldn't even look for a job. My self image deteriorated and I just gave up.
When Jim was diagnosed with Renal Failure we faced it together and once we accepted it life returned to normal.
Then the other ailments started ie the Fall, the bleed, the seizures the rehab, and the burn.
The past 3 years have been an endless circle of Hospitals, surgeries, rehab, Hospitals, surgeries, rehab. It was exhausting, but I started feeling the love again.
Jim was always happy to see me, would lean over in the car and kiss me and thank me for driving him. When I brought the tailgate party on Superbowl Sunday to him in Deershead he had all the nurses come in and partake.
On Valentine's Day I brought him Chinese food from his favorite restaurant and he enjoyed it.
I truly believe that the two of us grew closer in the end because it was just the two of us...no one else participated in his care outside of phone calls and drive by visits.
So Jim, now that you have left I am starting to heal and forgiving both of us for our past anger and resentments.
I miss you every day but I had been missing you for a long time. I am grateful for the good memories we shared, the laughter and the joy. Thank you for the time we had together!

Here it is Tuesday again...my last workshop meeting. I will miss seeing the group on a weekly basis but hopefully will see them at the luncheons and other events,
Diane came down for the weekend and it was nice to have company.
We did some shopping in Salisbury on Saturday, had lunch at the Franford Diner, TOOK A NAP, and watched TV.
Very exciting as I showed her Cypress Swamp and rge Mason Dixon line marker in Selbyville.
The weather was very crappy on Sunday, so we watched movies all day. She had never seen "Enchanted April" or "Big Night" so that was enjoyable. I cooked dinner and we ate in.
She got some mulching done out front and replaced the smoke detectors for me.
She left around noon on Monday and I took another nap...then I slept in until 10 this morning.
I was feeling very tired. stress I think. I may get the car inspected before my Group at 2....

I am still struggling with depression this week and can't understand why I feel like I am running in circles. I have been very busy, attended my workshop. saw Dr G , went to a luncheon, opened a safe deposit account, got a mammogram abd blood work done. I guess that explains why I am tired but not the sadness. I am reassuring myself that it is normal, that it is a slip and that it too will pass. Diane is coming down tonight so I will have some company over the weekend. Hopefully she can help me finish mulching out front and maybe paint the patio set. I also need to get over to Salisbury before Monday to use my Kohls cash :-) The good car is due for inspection so i need to tend to that next week