So it is Monday, January 13 and I am back in Atlanta awaiting for the next step. Actually, i am waiting to hear from the radiologist about doing a biopsy before Thursday when i see the oncologist again.
It is quiet here at the house which is not a bad thing. i am watching my regular daytime shows on TV, I'v had a meal, coffee so I am satisfied in that area. I am just uneasy and antsy..
This waiting is the killer. Knowing that I have no control over what is to happen is a bitch. The prognosis I had on Friday was not what i was expecting or lead to believe by the previous players. This is much more complicated...definitely involves Chemo, whether solely or prior to surgery..I am ANGRY, SCARED and PISSED, and I miss being home...
I am really mad with Jim for leaving me like this..how long have I had this? I lost my life while I was busy caring for him and his needs...I may have noticed something sooner..instead of blaming it on stress and asthma...I did the same for Betty, I stayed home an cared for her while Jim lived his life as normally as possible...She is gone too...I was the chosen one to care for her and her little Dog while her granddaughters rarely saw her...But this is the Sanders way, I was told, we care for each other... that is so out of line with the reality..which is the opposite. I can show you on one hand the # of times during Betty's demise.
So now I just wait for more news and then maybe I can think about the future.
I am truly blessed and grateful for Gabe and Trin coming to my rescue...also to Zak and Tess for their encouragement and support.
Monday, January 13, 2014
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Dream
I had a weird dream last night because I was restless and the Trazadone didn't seem to be doing the job.
I was shopping a a huge grocery store, something like BJ's and Jim was alive...not just alive but his former self, picking up stuff that we didn't need just because it was there. I discouraged him because we didn't need it and somehow in my mind I knew that he was gone and I didn't want any more belongings to dispose of...
It was also bizarre that Tommy Rutledge was working in a deli there and I was ordering 1/4 lbs of this and that but there was another deli in the back of the store where Jim was ordering lbs of everything.
He was shopping with Martha who was there with Phyllis whom I didn't see.Not surprised given the last message I received from them.
I realize this was meaningful because in my dream I was dealing with my lost relationships with his friends even though in reality I am still struggling.
It was also strange that yesterday while I was on the line with US Air, a call tried to come through from Joell Bacchieri.....whats up with that??
I was shopping a a huge grocery store, something like BJ's and Jim was alive...not just alive but his former self, picking up stuff that we didn't need just because it was there. I discouraged him because we didn't need it and somehow in my mind I knew that he was gone and I didn't want any more belongings to dispose of...
It was also bizarre that Tommy Rutledge was working in a deli there and I was ordering 1/4 lbs of this and that but there was another deli in the back of the store where Jim was ordering lbs of everything.
He was shopping with Martha who was there with Phyllis whom I didn't see.Not surprised given the last message I received from them.
I realize this was meaningful because in my dream I was dealing with my lost relationships with his friends even though in reality I am still struggling.
It was also strange that yesterday while I was on the line with US Air, a call tried to come through from Joell Bacchieri.....whats up with that??
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Post Atlanta post
Arrived home last night sans my big suitcase which didn't make it to the plane in time to get to Salisbury.
I barely made it myself even riding the cart which I had to change once because the departure gate was once again at the opposite side of the airport and on another level.
The cats were happy to see me and I had Mouse and Beau as my bed buddies once again.Caught a glimpse of Bitsy ( I think) but I still haven't seen her this morning even though the food is out.
I have contacted Beebe and they are sending the CD's to Millsboro for me to pick up on Monday.
Next I am calling the airline about my flight back. Then I need to get my prescriptions re ordered but I have to wait for my bag to be delivered.
The holiday was great despite all the "moving parts" as Gabe calls them.
It was comforting to be with my family during the consultation with the oncologist even though it was a bit overwhelming for him. He was quite clear with his prognosis although the Thoracic surgeon will be the one to decide.
I slept very well in Gustav's little bed and had fun with them until the "real" kids showed up. None the less, everyone had their own space so we could retreat when necessary. It was also good to see Paula and have a little time with her. We are both in crisis mode and life altering situations.
So, how do I feel about everything? I am very tired but my mind races and I feel like I need to make lists so I don't forget anything.
I wish I had a better concept of recovery time so I know how long I will be gone.
After the last few years dealing with Jim's malaise I am just SOOO tired of making decisions and I don't like to feel forced to make these sudden changes ie moving out of my home of 12 years....
I barely made it myself even riding the cart which I had to change once because the departure gate was once again at the opposite side of the airport and on another level.
The cats were happy to see me and I had Mouse and Beau as my bed buddies once again.Caught a glimpse of Bitsy ( I think) but I still haven't seen her this morning even though the food is out.
I have contacted Beebe and they are sending the CD's to Millsboro for me to pick up on Monday.
Next I am calling the airline about my flight back. Then I need to get my prescriptions re ordered but I have to wait for my bag to be delivered.
The holiday was great despite all the "moving parts" as Gabe calls them.
It was comforting to be with my family during the consultation with the oncologist even though it was a bit overwhelming for him. He was quite clear with his prognosis although the Thoracic surgeon will be the one to decide.
I slept very well in Gustav's little bed and had fun with them until the "real" kids showed up. None the less, everyone had their own space so we could retreat when necessary. It was also good to see Paula and have a little time with her. We are both in crisis mode and life altering situations.
So, how do I feel about everything? I am very tired but my mind races and I feel like I need to make lists so I don't forget anything.
I wish I had a better concept of recovery time so I know how long I will be gone.
After the last few years dealing with Jim's malaise I am just SOOO tired of making decisions and I don't like to feel forced to make these sudden changes ie moving out of my home of 12 years....
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
I feel positive about having the biopsy done because the lesion seems to be small enough that even if it is malignant it will not be life threatening..
Preparing for Christmas has been a serious concern
At this point i am certainly leaning to the Atlanta option but I cannot make plans until I get these results..
Preparing for Christmas has been a serious concern
At this point i am certainly leaning to the Atlanta option but I cannot make plans until I get these results..
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Scheduled for a "Pet Scan" tomorrow with contrast to determine whether the mass is cancerous. Needless to say I am terrified but trying to remain objective.
I may have to undergo another Bronchostony on Friday but that will be determined by the results.
Yes, this time it really is all about me....
I finally took a shower and changed my clothes...must go to store for cat food and litter..and WINE.....
Then I am watching Homeland on demand and going to be early...have to be in Rehoboth by 7 AM..
I may have to undergo another Bronchostony on Friday but that will be determined by the results.
Yes, this time it really is all about me....
I finally took a shower and changed my clothes...must go to store for cat food and litter..and WINE.....
Then I am watching Homeland on demand and going to be early...have to be in Rehoboth by 7 AM..
OK, the chest exray showed that the mass was still there so i had a Bronschotomy done on Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving.
Fortunately for me , Gabe and Trin were in the vacinity attending a Memorial service for Ben and Barbara who died in a tragedy last week but that is another terrible story in our lives
I am so grateful that Gabe was here to drive me to the procedure.
It was performed under sedation a tube up my nose and into my chest. He was able to get some cell samples but not a biopsy because I had a nose bleed and i was choking.
SCARY stuff
Gabe made a seafood quiche for dinner, I spent time with Gustav and Greta on T day and they were able to visit my Bro and SIL as well as John and Molly..
So it is Saturday night..I must be insane because I just roasted an oven stuffer that has been on my freezer for months, hoping to peak Jim's appetite...
My way, I guess of making dinner for the family..maybe taking care of myself or just playing those old tapes..
Thanksgiving has some bitter sweet memories for me..There was the year that Zak and Gabe were forced to have dinner with Von"s family with Pork, mashed potatoes and corn, in the "club room" of his sisters home ..I was so ashamed about that because they were so disapponted
Then there was the Thanksgiving after Lou died, and Mom Mom was in the hospital. Gabe was with Amy then and we had her Father there for dinner..and Betty and Sue and David and kids..very sad...
Fortunately for me , Gabe and Trin were in the vacinity attending a Memorial service for Ben and Barbara who died in a tragedy last week but that is another terrible story in our lives
I am so grateful that Gabe was here to drive me to the procedure.
It was performed under sedation a tube up my nose and into my chest. He was able to get some cell samples but not a biopsy because I had a nose bleed and i was choking.
SCARY stuff
Gabe made a seafood quiche for dinner, I spent time with Gustav and Greta on T day and they were able to visit my Bro and SIL as well as John and Molly..
So it is Saturday night..I must be insane because I just roasted an oven stuffer that has been on my freezer for months, hoping to peak Jim's appetite...
My way, I guess of making dinner for the family..maybe taking care of myself or just playing those old tapes..
Thanksgiving has some bitter sweet memories for me..There was the year that Zak and Gabe were forced to have dinner with Von"s family with Pork, mashed potatoes and corn, in the "club room" of his sisters home ..I was so ashamed about that because they were so disapponted
Then there was the Thanksgiving after Lou died, and Mom Mom was in the hospital. Gabe was with Amy then and we had her Father there for dinner..and Betty and Sue and David and kids..very sad...
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Wednesday
I think I will get the chest x-ray done today so I will be sure that the Doc gets it by Friday.
I really haven't been out much since last week, but I need to pick up some prescriptions and back up cat food in case he wants to admit me again.
I feel better, more energetic and the coughing is becomming less frequent and more productive so I am taking that as a positive. Also spent a lot of time yesterday looking up infectious diseases like Legionnaires and Mercer and I know I am on the right course with the antibiotics if that proves to be the case
I've been such a couch potato but I don't want to exert myself even though I have a million things I should be doing.
I'm also debating whether or not to go to the luncheon tomorrow but I feel like I really need to get out of the house and see the "Girls".
One can only watch so much Dexter at one time...
I really haven't been out much since last week, but I need to pick up some prescriptions and back up cat food in case he wants to admit me again.
I feel better, more energetic and the coughing is becomming less frequent and more productive so I am taking that as a positive. Also spent a lot of time yesterday looking up infectious diseases like Legionnaires and Mercer and I know I am on the right course with the antibiotics if that proves to be the case
I've been such a couch potato but I don't want to exert myself even though I have a million things I should be doing.
I'm also debating whether or not to go to the luncheon tomorrow but I feel like I really need to get out of the house and see the "Girls".
One can only watch so much Dexter at one time...
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