I just returned from my trip to Baltimore for Jim's last surgery.
I stayed once again at the Best Western  mostly for the free parking, hospital discount and the shuttle service  back and forth to Hopkins.. They also offer a huge buffet breakfast , included,  and a reasonably priced lunch and dinner menu.The food is not bad and the kitchen also caters Toby's Dinner Theater which is on the premises.
 I don't know what it is about me, but it seems when I travel alone I tend to attract other people who are also alone and generally in the same situation.
 The first night I was there was my Birthday so I went to the dining room the have a few cocktails and dinner. I has just started on my first martini, when the older lady walked over to my table and asked if she could join me.
 I agreed, so we introduced ourselves and and began a conversation. She was from Michigan, outside Ann Arbor and was retired from U of Michigan for many years. She was in Baltimore to have a check up at the Wilmer Eye Center at Hopkins, which is #2 in the world, according to her, with Miami being # 1.
 She was born with one blind eye,which was not noticeable at all, and now has some sort of growth threatening her good eye. She hadn't been satisfied with the treatment at U of M so she had been coming to Wilmer for several years..
 She explained that last year she had stayed at the Days Inn at the Harbor but they had no dining in house and it had rained the entire time she was in town and it was difficult to find a place nearby to eat..
  Unfortunately, with our "IFFY " forecast for snow this time,  her  flight had already been cancelled for the next day already so she was happy to be in a hotel with amenities that she could use such as the free shuttle and the restaurant.
 I enjoyed our dinner together and even though she wasn't a drinker at all,  she didn't mind that I was.She finished and paid her bill and we said goodnight .
 The next day I went about my business at the hospital, taking the 6AM shuttle and staying with Jim in Pre op. When the surgery was completed, he was taken to a room on the 4th floor when I joined him.
 We decided to order lunch for him, and I ordered a guest tray as well. I like the system there. Each patient is given a menu and you call your own order in for each meal. It takes about 60 minutes to deliver it but it hand carried individually on a tray. Suddenly the staff decided that he needed to go to dialysis so by the time his food came he had been transported away. We agreed that I would leave for the day as he would not return to his room until after 7 PM.
 I thought about venturing out for dinner but I was extremely tired so I once again decided to dine at the hotel. Once again I was sipping a cocktail when Ann showed up again. She apologized for wearing the same clothes but she hadn't packed much for an overnight trip. So our conversation continued and we shared  stories about our traveling experiences, failed marriages, unfulfilled relationships, mentally ill children , recipes for making candy, etc etc. so many confidences that are easy to share with a stranger.....
 She turned up again the next day  in the lobby as I was waiting for the shuttle. The earliest flight she could book wasn't until Friday..  I was beginning to feel like I was being stalked, but I had  checked out of my room , loaded the car and wanted to spend a few more hours with Jim.
 She said she had bought a ticket for the dinner theater which was playing THE WIZ. I was sorry that I was leaving because i think i may have enjoyed the show but we once again said our goodbyes
 .

Spring?

OK, I have crocus blooming, daffodils pushing up and signs of spring everywhere But Where is the Sun?
It has been so dismally gray here, cold, then warm, snow then rain...but no Sun. It is really depressing.
 Maybe it is the let down after the Ravens Victory, packing away the purple gear for next year, I don't know.
 It's not that I am not hopeful.... I am just sooo tired of winter....the hospitals...the never ending insurance forms and bills....the daily responsibility for everything... taking trash out.... buying cat food.....cleaning litter boxes....remembering to buy gas...driving to Salisbury 3 X weekly..... paying bills and laundry etc. etc. etc.
 On top of all of that crap, the refrigerator is being replaced today, an unplanned expense, Mediacom still hasn't gotten my digital signal right yet since i moved the box.., my notebook computer ...won't boot up and I am frustrated by the staleness of my life......

Revelations, I guess

I have been journaling lately with a Pen so I haven't been blogging much. Unfortunately my desktop computer has been a PITA so mostly I use my notebook for FB and email.
It's amazing how terrible my handwriting has gotten from not using it much anymore aside from addresing envelopes and signing checks.
At any rate, I don't know how to describe my feeling after 5 months withour Jim. It is very lonely. I am still overwhelmed by thoughts of downsizing and moving which is inevitable but not urgent. The big yard sale will have to wait for the spring, and currently my main concern is keeping warm since the temps have dropped suddenly and dontcha know my heat is not kicking on. I have been waiting for service since Wednesday but I am grateful that I have baseboard electric which works in some rooms, a space heater for the LR and heavy blankets for the BR. I personally love cold sheets, but it is too chilly for one leg out :-).
Overall I am in good spirits and have been stepping out with my Bereavement friends at the luncheons and drop in meetings. I still cry every day over the dumbest reminders of Jim, and sometimes actually break down and wail, for no apparent reason...just a release I guess.
I had my 2011, 12 taxes done yesterday and will be mailing them as soon as I get a mortgage statement from BOA. Mary Ann would not accept payment for processing them since in 2013 we will be starting fresh with none of Jim's BS. I was very grateful for that, we both cried, and since I sent some payment in for both years, I think, I don't owe anything.
I still feel lazy. like I am not doing enough, but I think I am still exhausted from the stress of the last 4 years of caregiving, chauffering, cooking, nursing, cleaning etc. I have been taking marathon breaks catching up on Homeland, Dexter and other shows I have missed. I cook almost every day for myself, as that is my therapy and now
My elderly lady friends want me to cook for them, they are in Lewes and not close by, so I am not sure how that would work.
I was invited to stay later after the lunch this week and have coffee with the Hospice Volunteers and that was an honor. They didn't realy know mw so I shared my story and of course received hugs and we all shared tears. I think I may have stumbled onto the "Cougar" faction of the group but they are fun and closer to my age.
I have signed up for a few lectures /luncheons that are held in Milford by a Psychologist everyone calls Dr. Judy. One of them is "Surviving the Holidays" which I know will be tough this year. Another one i am looking forward to is Healing your inner child. Boy, do I ever need that!!! I am on a road to discovering myself...
In my effort to heal I am going back through that old crap I carry around and doing some house cleaning.
Anger is an issue I now have because I don't think I was ever allowed to express it as a child. Now it comes spouting out of me like lava and I am trying to let it go. Everyone who has hurt me has their own issues, which probably have nothing to do with me.
I did a great job caring for Jim even if it was more than hard sometimes. I did it out of love and compassion and I am glad that things between us got a lot softer towards the end. I know he loved me and trusted me more than anyone in his life.

 It snowed here overnight and since the temps were in the teens, even the roads were covered. Even though it was only an inch or so schools were closed for that reason.
I love the quietness of the snow, less traffic and other activity. Good reason to chill out, or in this case curl up with a book and keep warm.
 My poor feral kitty Bitsy managed to hobble up the steps for breakfast but I imagine she has crawled back into the garage for shelter.
 Jim called me around 8:30 this morning from the dialysis unit at Deershead. It is directly across the hall from his and a full Freesenius unit that also treats daily patients.
His stay there so far has been totally positive and I am hoping it stays that way.
They brought in a clinatron bed yesterday and are still trying to find a way to make the transfer without his bending his back. It looks very comfortable and I was tempted to try it out but it wasn't covered yet and I didn't want to get caught!
 Things have been going smoothly with us since the trip to Hopkins. The distance between us physically has been beneficial for me. I am able to plan my time without feeling neglectful of him. I have had time to waste, not constantly jumping from one crisis to another.
 I have also been having some interesting dreams, touching base with friends from the past...I am not sure if I am saying goodbye to all that but it sort of feel that way..
 Maybe I am making way for our new future without so much illness and stress. I hope so.
 I actually feel better all over and found myself laughing and joking on the phone. Haven't done that for a while..

I can't remember ever being as worn out as I feel now. Every morning when I open my eyes I feel  a fire in my stomach and my entire body aches from head to toe.
I have been trying to lie still for a while and coach my brain to go back to whatever dream I was having so that I can delay the reality of the day.
 Granted, the waking on my own time is a real break  after the months of the 5 AM fire drills,  but as hard as I try, I cannot stay in bed once the thoughts start popping and then racing through my mind.
 Did I pay the bills on time, does the trash need to go out, am I out of cat food, must buy litter...need gas ...can I take the day off from all responsibilities without guilt..do I really need to be by his side every day....? Where is everyone else???

 I have been trying to face my fears and anxiety and sense of isolation for such a long time it seems.   I met briefly with the Social Worker and she was very sympathetic to my needs. Hopefully, she will find me a support group to help me cope with this constantly declining situation.

I am enjoying the serentiy of this afternoon. Jim was a bit anxious this morning at Dialysis but he has since calmed down.
He  ate lunch and a snack, and got a shower given my the home health aide. Now he is napping. I am so glad that I enquired about that yesterday. As long as the nurses are coming, he is entitled to that service. It saved us another argument!!
 I am soo tired...not just from the additional physical work I have taken on, but more emtionally drained. We are still waiting to hear what the next step will be and when.
 I am truly trying to live in the moment but it is difficult,

Just recovering from the last few weeks dealing with Jim and his burn/wound surgery and hopefully recovery. I mean.... why can't a MAN realize when he is getting worse and seek medical advice.... What started out as a minor burn became so irritated and inflamed and ignored by him that it escalated into a 3rd degree burn requiring surgery and a wound vac....only after I got him to a wound center...
 What started as malignant HBP back in the 70's before we met , was negletcted and resuted in ambo transport to a Baltimore hospital while we were dating
 The Docs were  concerned about his kidney function then but he never followed through on the tests....NOW he has ESRF...and has been on dialysis for 4 years.
  If only,...if only... if only....
  I have now become my Mother who nagged at my Father all the time...Hard headed stubborn MEN who think they know what is best for them which is usually the opposite of what you suggest or what they need.....this is not my Desire ..all the angry words....this is not the way I want to spend my life..this is not  the Army I signed up for....anyone willing to step in and take over is welcomed.....Love is not enough anymore ....I have a lot of resentment for his children, who truly have their own problems for real, for not understanding how hard these last few months have been on our well being...our relationship...our future....