Revelations, I guess

I have been journaling lately with a Pen so I haven't been blogging much. Unfortunately my desktop computer has been a PITA so mostly I use my notebook for FB and email.
It's amazing how terrible my handwriting has gotten from not using it much anymore aside from addresing envelopes and signing checks.
At any rate, I don't know how to describe my feeling after 5 months withour Jim. It is very lonely. I am still overwhelmed by thoughts of downsizing and moving which is inevitable but not urgent. The big yard sale will have to wait for the spring, and currently my main concern is keeping warm since the temps have dropped suddenly and dontcha know my heat is not kicking on. I have been waiting for service since Wednesday but I am grateful that I have baseboard electric which works in some rooms, a space heater for the LR and heavy blankets for the BR. I personally love cold sheets, but it is too chilly for one leg out :-).
Overall I am in good spirits and have been stepping out with my Bereavement friends at the luncheons and drop in meetings. I still cry every day over the dumbest reminders of Jim, and sometimes actually break down and wail, for no apparent reason...just a release I guess.
I had my 2011, 12 taxes done yesterday and will be mailing them as soon as I get a mortgage statement from BOA. Mary Ann would not accept payment for processing them since in 2013 we will be starting fresh with none of Jim's BS. I was very grateful for that, we both cried, and since I sent some payment in for both years, I think, I don't owe anything.
I still feel lazy. like I am not doing enough, but I think I am still exhausted from the stress of the last 4 years of caregiving, chauffering, cooking, nursing, cleaning etc. I have been taking marathon breaks catching up on Homeland, Dexter and other shows I have missed. I cook almost every day for myself, as that is my therapy and now
My elderly lady friends want me to cook for them, they are in Lewes and not close by, so I am not sure how that would work.
I was invited to stay later after the lunch this week and have coffee with the Hospice Volunteers and that was an honor. They didn't realy know mw so I shared my story and of course received hugs and we all shared tears. I think I may have stumbled onto the "Cougar" faction of the group but they are fun and closer to my age.
I have signed up for a few lectures /luncheons that are held in Milford by a Psychologist everyone calls Dr. Judy. One of them is "Surviving the Holidays" which I know will be tough this year. Another one i am looking forward to is Healing your inner child. Boy, do I ever need that!!! I am on a road to discovering myself...
In my effort to heal I am going back through that old crap I carry around and doing some house cleaning.
Anger is an issue I now have because I don't think I was ever allowed to express it as a child. Now it comes spouting out of me like lava and I am trying to let it go. Everyone who has hurt me has their own issues, which probably have nothing to do with me.
I did a great job caring for Jim even if it was more than hard sometimes. I did it out of love and compassion and I am glad that things between us got a lot softer towards the end. I know he loved me and trusted me more than anyone in his life.

 It snowed here overnight and since the temps were in the teens, even the roads were covered. Even though it was only an inch or so schools were closed for that reason.
I love the quietness of the snow, less traffic and other activity. Good reason to chill out, or in this case curl up with a book and keep warm.
 My poor feral kitty Bitsy managed to hobble up the steps for breakfast but I imagine she has crawled back into the garage for shelter.
 Jim called me around 8:30 this morning from the dialysis unit at Deershead. It is directly across the hall from his and a full Freesenius unit that also treats daily patients.
His stay there so far has been totally positive and I am hoping it stays that way.
They brought in a clinatron bed yesterday and are still trying to find a way to make the transfer without his bending his back. It looks very comfortable and I was tempted to try it out but it wasn't covered yet and I didn't want to get caught!
 Things have been going smoothly with us since the trip to Hopkins. The distance between us physically has been beneficial for me. I am able to plan my time without feeling neglectful of him. I have had time to waste, not constantly jumping from one crisis to another.
 I have also been having some interesting dreams, touching base with friends from the past...I am not sure if I am saying goodbye to all that but it sort of feel that way..
 Maybe I am making way for our new future without so much illness and stress. I hope so.
 I actually feel better all over and found myself laughing and joking on the phone. Haven't done that for a while..

I can't remember ever being as worn out as I feel now. Every morning when I open my eyes I feel  a fire in my stomach and my entire body aches from head to toe.
I have been trying to lie still for a while and coach my brain to go back to whatever dream I was having so that I can delay the reality of the day.
 Granted, the waking on my own time is a real break  after the months of the 5 AM fire drills,  but as hard as I try, I cannot stay in bed once the thoughts start popping and then racing through my mind.
 Did I pay the bills on time, does the trash need to go out, am I out of cat food, must buy litter...need gas ...can I take the day off from all responsibilities without guilt..do I really need to be by his side every day....? Where is everyone else???

 I have been trying to face my fears and anxiety and sense of isolation for such a long time it seems.   I met briefly with the Social Worker and she was very sympathetic to my needs. Hopefully, she will find me a support group to help me cope with this constantly declining situation.

I am enjoying the serentiy of this afternoon. Jim was a bit anxious this morning at Dialysis but he has since calmed down.
He  ate lunch and a snack, and got a shower given my the home health aide. Now he is napping. I am so glad that I enquired about that yesterday. As long as the nurses are coming, he is entitled to that service. It saved us another argument!!
 I am soo tired...not just from the additional physical work I have taken on, but more emtionally drained. We are still waiting to hear what the next step will be and when.
 I am truly trying to live in the moment but it is difficult,

Just recovering from the last few weeks dealing with Jim and his burn/wound surgery and hopefully recovery. I mean.... why can't a MAN realize when he is getting worse and seek medical advice.... What started out as a minor burn became so irritated and inflamed and ignored by him that it escalated into a 3rd degree burn requiring surgery and a wound vac....only after I got him to a wound center...
 What started as malignant HBP back in the 70's before we met , was negletcted and resuted in ambo transport to a Baltimore hospital while we were dating
 The Docs were  concerned about his kidney function then but he never followed through on the tests....NOW he has ESRF...and has been on dialysis for 4 years.
  If only,...if only... if only....
  I have now become my Mother who nagged at my Father all the time...Hard headed stubborn MEN who think they know what is best for them which is usually the opposite of what you suggest or what they need.....this is not my Desire ..all the angry words....this is not the way I want to spend my life..this is not  the Army I signed up for....anyone willing to step in and take over is welcomed.....Love is not enough anymore ....I have a lot of resentment for his children, who truly have their own problems for real, for not understanding how hard these last few months have been on our well being...our relationship...our future....

Birthday

Here it is, another Birthday. but at least this one comes with rewards.
My first check will arrive next month so I will start reaping the benefits of my years of work.
Thoughts?
I don't feel this old. I feel fat. I want to work on that.
I still feel sad. I feel alone sometimes. I feel like no one sees my point.
I want to take charge of my future but it is difficult because too many things out of my control are unresolved.
I want to feel strong again. I miss my independence. I miss my friends.
Most of all, I miss Jim...and the way he was. I want him to get his kidney so that we can move on.

Just returned home after an extended stay in Atlanta playing Mema and trying to assist in the new baby/new job/new hours transition.
After a few days of adjustment things went rather smoothly I think with the best part being bonding with Gustav and meeting Greta, of course. I even slipped out to catch a movie and, of course grocery shop. I enjoy going to different stores just to see what is new and different and of course to stock up on some things I must have in my larder if I am going to cook for 3 weeks.
I also traveled to Gabe's new theater and saw "The Artist" before the Oscars.
The last week, I spent a few days with Debbie, my former accomplice from the Golden Arm days, and stayed with her in Norcross for 2 nights. We spent our time perusing cookbooks, eating, having martinis and shopping in second hand stores. I wish we lived closer together because we really do enjoy the same things. She is a whiz at garage sales and has made some great buys, not that she needs to. We had a great time and spent our last day at the DeKalb farmers market which is a paradise for foodies like us.
I was fortunate to not overbuy there and I was very clever packing my suitcases. TSA searched my big luggage, which has been done before , probably because I had a bottle of Grand Marnier, Rice wine vinegar and sweet chili sauce packed along with a large pizza pan and some other suspicious looking stuff like a brick of arborio rice and packaged herbs. I can just imagine what it looked like on the ex ray....major drug dealer...
As usual, there is no place like home and I am happy to be back on my turf again. I'm still tired but content and happy to be here with Jim and the kitties...We have a lot of decisions to make in the coming months. He must get this transplant done so that we can move forward in a positive direction.
The weather has been so dreary for the most part and I an hoping we have a real spring and not jump into 90o temps. I have many thing to do.