In my frantic search through the house for personal papers regarding retirement issues, I have been touching a lot of "old" stuff which have stirred up memories.
Nor surprisingly this morning I found myself reflecting on choices I have made and once again berating myself for the truly bad ones. The truth be known, I have never had a plan. I don't know why, I've had dreams, but no mentor to guide me on to a path.
Maybe it's because we were the first wave of baby Boomers to hit the school syatem which was sorely unprepared for the crush. Some years we were on split shifts until new facilities were completed. Teachers didn't have much time to spend with idividual students.
Maybe my parents were satisfied with their own fulfillment,the American dream of the 50's with a house in the burbs, a car and a stereo.
Growing up during the Great Depression, They were pleased that we were able to complete high school, and didn't expect more or prepare us for higher education.
And the options were minimal compared to today.
My female peers generally went on to the commercial world where they became a secretary until she was lucky enough to marry.
Acadenic scholars went on to college to becoma a teacher or into nursing school to pursue that career,
The General diploma graduates went on to unskilled jobs or marriage.
Even though I persued the academic course, I was basically an unskilled laborer when i graduated. My desire to be a nurse was squashed by my Parent's lack of interest ie money.
I often wonder if they had made that one little investment how different my life might be
Maybe if my BFF hadn't gotten pregnant at 16 and gotten married, I wouldn't have felt so desparate to be loved. Somehow that made marriage an option for me.
I have always been a hopeless romantic so when I fell in love at 18, I got married. I was already feeling like an old maid.
I hope that the girls of today appreciate the many choices that are available to them.

I was just having a memory flash of a time when Jim and I were new, and one of the reasons I fell n love with him.
I was working for Holly Poultry and had to go to Newark NJ for a few days. Jim was living in DE but decided to drive up and stay over night with me at the hotel.
It was a crazy evening starting with the fact that I actually saw him drive past the hotel from my window, then make a U turn to get on to the parking lot. I didn't really expect him to come. I was so excited to see him. It made the trip an adventure.
After kisses and hugs and,well, you know , in the room, we were ready for some dinner. The hotel had a restaurant but Jim didn't relish that idea, so we ventured out on our own to find a place to eat.
By this time it was dark and, Newark NJ is not known for its hospitality and tourist attractions. Jim started driving towards what we thought was the city Somehow we ended up in a bad neighborhood (not hard to do) and saw flashing lights and yellow tape.
It was a crime scene for real, and cops were everywhere.
When one walked over to the car, Jim rolled down the window and asked him where a good restaurant was. Without blinking an eye, the officer gave us directions to a great Italian Bistro which was not more than 1/2 mile away.
We had a fabulous meal and couldn't stop laughing!

I really hate when the holidays end.
I enjoy the lights on the houses and on the trees, especially my own.
They brighten and soften at the same time, making things feel festive and cheerful.
The chore of removing and storing them is always a painful act for me.
The holiday is over, January is upon us and it is a long way until Spring
I still have cookies in tins and frozen packs of ham and turkey in the freezer waiting for my taste for them to return.
We had a good visit from the families. Gustav was a particular joy with his love for anything with wheels and his pure delight with truck and train toys.
I missed my Mom a lot this year and wonder if I am going through the motions just for her, the rituals of baking, the big turkey dinner, the special breakfast.
I wonder how much she would love meeting Goose and being enchanted by his charming personality.
But even with the rituals, our lives have changed since her passing.
No one lives close by, so it has become an ordeal to get to Grandmother's House and then have to sleep in unfamiliar surroundings.
It seems to make everyone uncomfortable, wrecks their routines and schedules. It is also expensive to travel and that creates a financial burden and not all of us could be here.
I did make an effort to "downsize" a bit. We ate more casually in the kitchen. I used everyday plates and silver. I didn't decorate every nook and cranny, as I have been known to do, or make 4 desserts which no one is interested in anymore.
Still, I tried to keep the spirit alive despite my ailing knee and lowered expectations.
I attempted to set up the little train set but Goose was still too little to fully appreciate it. That was my Dad's part of Christmas, another family ritual.
We are all going through different passages in our lives. Growing older and facing health issues and impending limited finances, the young families coping with the reality of the economy, the necessary choices that need to be made and all of our hopes for the future.
Things just felt a little flat to me.