Sunday Morning,
I woke up this morning feeling somewhat lighter in spirit....Beau was meowing, saying good morning and forcing his head under my arm so I could rub him, Lulu was waiting in the door way, Mouse was on the stairs and the sun was shining.
I checked in the laundry room, and Bitsy was sitting on her pillow looking at me through the glass window.
I hesitate to say I feel good, but I feel like I have turned another corner.I don't feel as anxious as I have been.
I am feeling hopeful for the moment and starting to get excited about my visit...wow, The Atlanta Speedway WooHoo..

Suddenly I realized that I need to get organized for my trip to Atlanta. At least it gives me something different to do.
I am anxious but I am feeling that fear daily. I notice it mostly in the morning when I first open my eyes and remember what has transpired. Of course, when Jim was sick I felt the same way only with a sense of dread and fear of what I would find when I came downstairs. Some days he was up and about ready to go to dialysis. Other days he was still asleep with the alarm blaring. I just never knew what to expect.
I am also remembering the really bad times in our relationship, before he became so ill and dependent.
Jim was no angel, especially when he was drinking heavily, and I didn't think I could ever forgive him for making life changing decisions in regards to his family without discussion, like my opinion was irrelavant and I didn't exist...Bringing both of his parents to our new home to die was not in my game plan but Jim could not see outside the box. I am grateful that Lou passed away before he was discharged but all of the equipment was in place here, the hospital bed and oxygen, etc. He had Prudence and Jody come into our house and move the furniture while I was in Baltimore attending to My Mother's needs..I was furious...
We had some horrible arguments and said hurtful things to one another. Several times it became physical, not beating but pushing and throwing things. I was very unhappy, disappointed in my partner, as he was with me for not being Melanie from "Gone with the Wind", but I was hurt and sad and I felt his loyalties were misplaced..
Looking back, I don't think I realized how depressed I was. I was so down I couldn't even look for a job. My self image deteriorated and I just gave up.
When Jim was diagnosed with Renal Failure we faced it together and once we accepted it life returned to normal.
Then the other ailments started ie the Fall, the bleed, the seizures the rehab, and the burn.
The past 3 years have been an endless circle of Hospitals, surgeries, rehab, Hospitals, surgeries, rehab. It was exhausting, but I started feeling the love again.
Jim was always happy to see me, would lean over in the car and kiss me and thank me for driving him. When I brought the tailgate party on Superbowl Sunday to him in Deershead he had all the nurses come in and partake.
On Valentine's Day I brought him Chinese food from his favorite restaurant and he enjoyed it.
I truly believe that the two of us grew closer in the end because it was just the two of us...no one else participated in his care outside of phone calls and drive by visits.
So Jim, now that you have left I am starting to heal and forgiving both of us for our past anger and resentments.
I miss you every day but I had been missing you for a long time. I am grateful for the good memories we shared, the laughter and the joy. Thank you for the time we had together!

Here it is Tuesday again...my last workshop meeting. I will miss seeing the group on a weekly basis but hopefully will see them at the luncheons and other events,
Diane came down for the weekend and it was nice to have company.
We did some shopping in Salisbury on Saturday, had lunch at the Franford Diner, TOOK A NAP, and watched TV.
Very exciting as I showed her Cypress Swamp and rge Mason Dixon line marker in Selbyville.
The weather was very crappy on Sunday, so we watched movies all day. She had never seen "Enchanted April" or "Big Night" so that was enjoyable. I cooked dinner and we ate in.
She got some mulching done out front and replaced the smoke detectors for me.
She left around noon on Monday and I took another nap...then I slept in until 10 this morning.
I was feeling very tired. stress I think. I may get the car inspected before my Group at 2....

I am still struggling with depression this week and can't understand why I feel like I am running in circles. I have been very busy, attended my workshop. saw Dr G , went to a luncheon, opened a safe deposit account, got a mammogram abd blood work done. I guess that explains why I am tired but not the sadness. I am reassuring myself that it is normal, that it is a slip and that it too will pass. Diane is coming down tonight so I will have some company over the weekend. Hopefully she can help me finish mulching out front and maybe paint the patio set. I also need to get over to Salisbury before Monday to use my Kohls cash :-) The good car is due for inspection so i need to tend to that next week

Blah...

This has been the worst week I've had since Jim passed. I don't know why exactly but i feel like I have fallen in a hole and am clawing my way out. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to get anything done. At the same time I feel like maybe I am doing too much. I cancelled my dinner party mostly because I couldn't get organized enough to pull it off. In addition there was a lot of drama going on with my guests and I didn't want that to dominate the evening. I shared that with my group and was applauded for taking care of myself. Robbie Russell is in the states working for Nasa this week and is returning to Germany on Saturday. He's been calling to camome over but I haven't been able to make a plan with him because I am so stuck... I am achy from gardening so I laid off that for a while, then I feel guilty.I really do need to spread the mulch and finish weeding... Maybe I'll get that started now...