Countdown to moving back home....finally heard from power wash/cleaning company so he will have all of that done when I get there, I have also have scheduled Mediacom and several DR Appts. and had the heat checked.
 Now I can concentrate on getting some  much needed painting done on the inside.
 This is quite a challenge for me , moving back, but clearly the best option at this juncture'
. I wish I could click my ruby slippers together and just be there. cats too!
 I am also beginning to think about things I will miss about Georgia.
 Obviously my family and watching my Grandchildren grow is a major loss but I need to move on and am not ready to commit to a lease here with every thing so undone at home.
 There is so much to tend to...sell, dispose of , auction...
 Other things I will miss here are the FREE services of the Cancer Wellness Center and some of the great people I have met there...great healthy food, other survivors, mindfulness training etc.
 I have gotten many welcomed hugs , which I was sorely missing, but once I get back I can reconnect with my support group in DE and maybe find some other outlets at Beebe.
 I won't miss the traffic..had such a series of mishaps driving it was crazy. I think much of it was caused by stress and uncertainty.
 I will miss Debbie , my fellow foodie and martini enabler.I will miss this beautiful fall and dining alfresco  on the porch....the generally moderate temperatures. the plethora of events and activities every weekend.
 I wake up in the morning with anxiety but I generally blow the negative thoughts out of my head by focusing on breathing in and out. That is nothing new because when Jim was so sick I never knew what I was going to face when I came down stairs but those days are over....

So much has happened since my last post...I am in remission from the CANCER and am now , I hope, Strong enough to move back home.
 I realize that i have totally over extended my stay here and am now interfering in the family goals.
 I wish I was ready to move here , in m,y own place, but I have so many unresolved issues back there.
I am seeking the support from the group I have made contact with in the past and letting GO of the negative aspects....
 Jim had some very fine friends from his past...I have some too...
 I think about Jim every day...remembering him as he was and not what "WE" became.
 He would be so excited now about the ORIOLES..

It is Friday, the 7th which would have been the last radiation, but due to the ice storm, I have one to make up on Monday...then the PT test to see what the results are.

 Aside from feeling chronically tired, not hungry and just plain blah most of the time, i guess I am doing OK.

 The nagging cough is my worst symptom and i can't seen to shake it no matter what.  It is so deep that it causes incontinence which in turn requires attention, often in the middle of the night

. Apparently it is not lung related but bronchial as the lungs are clear and the oncologists are pleased with my progress.

 Some days i just feel like lying on the floor for hours, which I do not do because I would still be there.

 I am also having problems with my left leg from the hip down . Some days it really is painful, but then again it is the one with all the hardware.

 Occasionally I get a yen for something but by the time I get around to it, it has passed.

 The 2 best things I've had this week are 2 chocolate milkshakes...very smooth..

 The swallowing thing has come back which is very uncomfortable.  feel like I have a pill stuck in my throat because I forgot the magic mouthwash..

Meals are not regularly prepared here so there is lots of inconsistency time wise etc. 

Now that Trin is allergic to seafood, there is nothing the 3 of us can eat together. Gabe plugs along with his repertoire but some of the items I have trouble eating due to texture or spice.

Basically, i guess I am a mess after all.

Must get ready for appt. Cleaning people coming today so I want to clear out...

Well I have completed my 3rd full week of treatment and aside from fatigue and a little stomach rumbling I feel fine.

 I had my hair cut very short last week in anticipation of losing it but aside from feeling very dry it seems to be hanging on.

 Things at the house have been surprisingly calm since the snow and ice closings have ended.

 The biggest issues are over the kitchen as Gabe runs a tight ship and shops daily and I am a stocker of groceries and plan ahead.

 What I like about being here...my room is very comfortable as is my bed. I love to hear the trains in the night. It reminds me of the coal train going to the Indian River Plant.

 I like that the grocery stores sell wine unlike MD and DE. I like the friendliness of the store staff. 

 Now that I have my car I feel free to roam a little as long as I avoid rush hour. The traffic patterns here are very complex and you never know when the lane you are traveling in will change.

 What I miss are my cats, especially Beau and Mouse. I am still hoping to find a way to get Beau down here.

It is also great to have Debbie and Paula as friends nearby. I haven't been very sociable lately but it is due to my fear of the side effects suddenly kicking in.

I've also been unable to plan anything in the Wellness center due to my treatment schedule but that may change this week.

 I feel as though I am living in a state of suspended animation, never knowing what is going to happen next. The sad thing is that I have been in this way for the past few years with Jim's illness and fearing what the next day would present. 

 All i can do is take it one day at a time....

The Cancer diaries

So it is Monday, January 13 and I am back in Atlanta awaiting for the next step. Actually, i am waiting to hear from the radiologist about doing a biopsy before Thursday when i see the oncologist again.
 It is quiet here at the house which is not a bad thing. i am watching my regular daytime shows on TV, I'v had a meal, coffee so I am satisfied in that area. I am just uneasy and antsy..
 This waiting is the killer. Knowing that I have no control over what is to happen is a bitch. The prognosis I had on Friday was not what i was expecting or lead to believe by the previous players. This is much more complicated...definitely involves Chemo, whether solely or prior to surgery..I am ANGRY, SCARED and PISSED, and I miss being home...
 I am really mad with Jim for leaving me like this..how long have I had this? I lost my life while I was busy caring for him and his needs...I may have noticed something sooner..instead of blaming it on stress and asthma...I did the same for Betty, I stayed home an cared for her while Jim lived his life as normally as possible...She is gone too...I was the chosen one to care for her and her little Dog while her granddaughters rarely saw her...But this is the Sanders way, I was told, we care for each other... that is so out of line with the reality..which is the opposite. I can show you on one hand the # of times during Betty's demise.
 So now I just wait for more news and then maybe I can think about the future.
I am truly blessed and grateful for Gabe and Trin coming to my rescue...also to Zak and Tess for their encouragement and support.

Dream

I had a weird dream last night because I was restless and the Trazadone didn't seem to be doing the job.
I was shopping a a huge grocery store, something like BJ's and Jim was alive...not just alive but his former self, picking up stuff that we didn't need just because it was there. I discouraged him because we didn't need it and somehow in my mind I knew that he was gone and I didn't want any more belongings to dispose of...
It was also bizarre that Tommy Rutledge was working in a deli there and I was ordering 1/4 lbs of this and that but there was another deli in the back of the store where Jim was ordering lbs of everything.
He was shopping with Martha who was there with Phyllis whom I didn't see.Not surprised given the last message I received from them.
I realize this was meaningful because in my dream I was dealing with my lost relationships with his friends even though in reality I am still struggling.
It was also strange that yesterday while I was on the line with US Air, a call tried to come through from Joell Bacchieri.....whats up with that??

Post Atlanta post

Arrived home last night sans my big suitcase which didn't make it to the plane in time to get to Salisbury.
I barely made it myself even riding the cart which I had to change once because the departure gate was once again at the opposite side of the airport and on another level.
The cats were happy to see me and I had Mouse and Beau as my bed buddies once again.Caught a glimpse of Bitsy ( I think) but I still haven't seen her this morning even though the food is out.
I have contacted Beebe and they are sending the CD's to Millsboro for me to pick up on Monday.
Next I am calling the airline about my flight back. Then I need to get my prescriptions re ordered but I have to wait for my bag to be delivered.
The holiday was great despite all the "moving parts" as Gabe calls them.
It was comforting to be with my family during the consultation with the oncologist even though it was a bit overwhelming for him. He was quite clear with his prognosis although the Thoracic surgeon will be the one to decide.
I slept very well in Gustav's little bed and had fun with them until the "real" kids showed up. None the less, everyone had their own space so we could retreat when necessary. It was also good to see Paula and have a little time with her. We are both in crisis mode and life altering situations.
So, how do I feel about everything? I am very tired but my mind races and I feel like I need to make lists so I don't forget anything.
I wish I had a better concept of recovery time so I know how long I will be gone.
After the last few years dealing with Jim's malaise I am just SOOO tired of making decisions and I don't like to feel forced to make these sudden changes ie moving out of my home of 12 years....