If only I could focus on one project long enough to complete it I think i would feel a lot better. I am in the middle of so many things right now, that I am becoming totally overwhelmed.
Part of the the problem is that everything that needs to be ready for the holiday rests solely on my shoulders.
Aside from earning and spending, my Husband has not participated at all in any preparations.
He chooses to argue rather than admit that he doesn't think he should have to do anything.
He is such an enigma, very kind to other people and a lazy bear at home. He is currently transporting one of his fellow dialysis patients back and forth to treatment 3 days a week. He drove up to Baltimore last night to say goodbye to his 94 year old Aunt who is in the process of dying.
At this moment he is at the office handing out gifts he bought, at his own expense, to all the installers, production workers and office staff totalling close to $1000.
My requests are not outrageous, just moving some things out to the garage, maybe decorating, and making a big run to the Goodwill.
I want to spend some time baking, and wrapping and doing regular Christmas chores.
Men.....

Christmas Gifts

Our family as a group decided not to exchange gifts this Christmas.
I, as the Matriarch,chose to ignore this request and proceed with my own plans, especially in regards to Gustav, who is a real kid this year.
So the Grinch is not stealing this Holiday from me.
We are having bells and whistles and Roast Beast as usual, wrapping paper and games and toys, candy and cookies...and a Birthday celebration for Zak who is turning, ..Gulp...40.
So Welcome Christmas. Bring it On!

Preparing for Christmas

It is exciting for me to be preparing for Christmas this year.
Oh, I haven't even started on the baking, or even the decorating yet.
I've done most of my shopping on line so I haven't been out and about the mall or any of that stuff.
I have been busy redecorating the house by refreshing some things, and finally having the new counter top installed AND the new dishwasher.
I am in the process of painting the" MAIN?" bathroom to give it a face lift before we do the real job of punching the wall out and removing the tub etc.
The other bath in the back room now has had a tile floor, been repainted by moi and has totally new fixtures IE a Jacuzzi toilet and a pedestal sink.
If my husband would cooperate, we could have excess furniture removed and make more room for our guests, whom I am so Happy to entertain.
The big projects should be done by early next week.
After cleaning (sad face). with furniture rearranged, I can then concentrate and have some fun with the outdoor decorations and cookies and pre making appetizers etc. etc. etc.
I am so looking forward to this holiday and having the family together, especially Gustav who brings joy in my heart when I see him.
Love to all

Pre Turkey Day

Just relaxing before T day. Last year this time we were all in Atlanta to celebrate with the entire Hugel clan and friends.

It was really fun to have everyone together for the day, including little Goose who was brand new but it was a lot of work co ordinating the food and oven space as usual

This year we are staying home and I am making a special dinner for us. I really don't mind as I am so absorbed in projects that I am looking forward to the extra day to work on something.

We are having a big Christmas this year and that is what I am grateful for the most. Having everyone together again, if only for a day or two is my joy.

Oh, I know we will have our moments of dysfunction, who is sleeping where and who used the hot water, but that is what it is all about. There will also be fun and laughter, which I sorely need, and Games to play, and conversation and lots of food. And we also get to celebrate Zak's Birthday with Sue and David, John, Rob and Shannon, and maybe again later in the week. I can't believe he is 40.
It seems like only yesterday he was a little kid.

Ocean City Memories

When I was a teenager, I wanted to work in Ocean City for the summer in the worst way, but my parents were totally opposed to this notion. I was grateful that we vacationed for a week there, sometimes 2, with other families from our neighborhood who also had teenage kids. The grown ups would take turns driving us to the boardwalk in the evening, and picking us up around midnight.
Oh the excitement of the Ferris wheel,the Tilt a Whirl, the roller coaster.. exotic foods like Lombardi's pizza and Thrashers french fries with vinegar....Ernie's hot fresh glazed doughnuts, Fisher's Caramel corn, Kohl's frozen custard.....
At least one night during the week We would go to the Pier Ballroom which was a dance hall and where Buddy Deane and the Committee (the basis for Hairspray) performed occasionally, although never when we were there.
There were some really cute boys to dance with and fantasize about, romanticize about. Dancing to the Theme from "A Summer Place" was heavenly (I dreamed that I was Sandra Dee) and fast dancing to all those rock and roll songs was just plain fun. I fell in love many times over, every summer.
Then there were the endless games like Skee Ball, Pin ball, and the infamous Claw machine at which I became quite proficient. It only cost 5c and I won 30c packs of cigarettes about every 3rd try. Of course we all smoked while we were on the Boards because it was cool and so were we.
The problem was hiding the packs once we got back to our apartment, especially after I got busted when my Mom went through my laundry. The next batch I hid in a hedge outside.
After a few years, this group stopped going on vacation together.
There was a hiatus.
My Best girlfriend at the time Mary Ellen and I were desperate to go "Downy Ocean Hon" (a true Bawlamer saying) and somehow talked my Mom into meeting with her Mom (who drove a very cool 1957 Chevy Impala Convertible) and planned a mini trip, just 3 or 4 days. By this time some of my friends were actually living in O.C.working and sharing apartments.
The first summer went well, so the next year we decided to rent a place for a week.
You have to remember that there was no Internet, just brochures and a telephone. Also, Aunt Nellie was joining us, one of M.E's crazy relatives.
We rented unseen a tiny little house with no closets but Mary Ellen and I were in heaven. We ran off every day and night to hang out with our friends. My boyfriend Paul was working in a restaurant and spent the night with us once. My Mother made us keep the light on all night.
One morning she was in tears. We were sleeping late and she wanted us to go to the beach with her. ME's Mother and Aunt Nellie were still in bed after a big night.
My Mom liked to party but they were way out of her league, and in a trashy way. They would sit in the Irish House, a landmark bar on the boards which is now long gone, and get a load on, then walk down the boardwalk and try to get a "Hootenanny" going, sort of a jam session in the folk music days. They even bought kazoos and tambourines at the 10c store and were making quite a spectacle of themselves, stopping people along the way to join up with them.
My Mother was MORTIFIED, to say the least.
I don't exactly remember what happened next, but somehow Aunt Nellie left Ocean City in a cab and went back home to Lutherville MD. a 170 mile trip. Nice fare.
We finished out the week, went to the beach together, sometimes with Paul, and came home tan, happy and exhausted.
I guess I don't have to say that we never tried to vacation together again, and that I was forbidden to mention any thing to my Father about the trip.

I am dead tired after helping Gabe and Trin fix up the house in Baltimore. It wasn't my idea of Labor Day Weekend, but I was glad to be useful in my limited capacity.
It was also a great opportunity to spend time together, see Goose and later hook up with the family. The Pizza, Steamed Shrimp. salad. fruit and cheese buffet was a huge hit, followed by a practice birthday cake for Goose.
It was fun to see Ben and talking to John, Rob and Shannon, and hearing stories about how their lives are going. The conversation was so much more stimulating than the dinner talk we had with our friends last night.
I really am starting to feel like I am from another planet. I like to hear and discuss books, movies, current events, not Judge Hatchett and Peoples Court. Anytime I began a topic, it was immediately brushed off by something more important like how beautiful the dog is and how smart and how many toys she finds on walks.
Maybe I am just being paranoid but it feels like I have nothing in common with our old friends. It seems they were not interested in any thing I had to add.
I finally just went to bed because I was bored and tired of drinking

I wonder why I still get the Back to School Blues?
It's the end of August and the shadows are growing longer as the Sun shifts slowly away from me.
The temperature has suddenly dropped into the 70's, and the Sunday paper has nothing but "Back to school" ads.
As a kid I absolutely hated this time of year, even though it meant seeing friends again and meeting new people. I was the end of summer, of running barefoot and playing hide and seek until the street lights came on, sleeping in and reading only for pleasure, playing Monopoly and Scrabble on a big screened in porch.
As a teenager It was even more stressful, all of the Jr. and Sr. High school angst with dating, and wearing the right clothes, having the perfect body, mixing with the IN crowd, Not to mention the challenge of the Academics and trying to concentrate with all of these other distractions.
As a young Mother, it was a blessing. After a long summer, it was a relief to have structure again, especially when I was working full time.
Then came the Boarding school years and College and after the initial excitement wore off, and as my boys grew into men,the feeling of sadness started creeping back in little by little, year after year.
It was a sense of loss, a harbinger of days to come with separation being the status quo.
Now everyone is grown and married, and too far away to drop by for dinner.
I heard the little yellow school bus drove by this morning and before I even opened my eyes, I knew it was once again that dreaded time of year.

If only you got to know me, you'd be sorry for all the missed opportunities we had to share our hopes and fears .
If only you tried to know me, you would see how funny I can be, witty and compassionate, and what a strong shoulder I have to cry on.
If you even made an effort to know me you would see what a loyal friend I am and a worthy companion to spend time with.
If only you knew me you would know that my heart is as wide as the sea, and as open, but fragile and easily broken,
If you really knew me you would be aware of the hardships I have survived, the courage I have had to muster and the accomplishments I have acheived.
If only....... you wanted to......

Changing My Life

Another Monday in Paradise.

I promised myself that I would start making changes in my life starting today. There are so many things wrong, it's hard to pick a starting point. Here are my thoughts.

# 1 Lose weight,

Options, obviously dieting, weight watchers?, Alli? Acai?

#2 Exercise...swimming is great but I can't stand up in the surf or get up if I fall

Nag Jim into putting our pool up. Try to use this thing Jim bought for me that you kneel on, with my 2 bad knees ????

#3 Read more..well I started Julie and Julia last night and actually digested 50 pages, and I was really sleepy...I love it

#4 Continue disposing of accumulated items that are no longer of service. Luckily, we have Goodwill Store nearby

#5 Find something outside of the house to do ie work, take a course at Del Tech., volunteer.
I need to meet new people and start living my life and spending time with someone with similar interests. I want my independence back.

Gotta go, busy day

Reading Trin's blog about her hectic schedule, provoked some thoughts and memories of my own. It was difficult being a single Mom of a 6 and 7 year old boy in the 70's.

When I first started to work , I had to make many changes in our routine.

I worked until 4 , they got home by 3:30

I asked one of the Mom's in the car pool, who lived right down our street , if she could keep an eye on them until I got home. They all played together in the alley anyway, but apparently she resented this and just before the Christmas break she dropped us from the car pool which created another crisis for me. It's amazing how little things become larger than life when you are alone and having to make all the decisions.

I did find another one which wasn't easy as the kids went to a small school on the campus of Towson State and everyone did not live in our neighborhood. I did get them involved in some after school activities when they were available.

My schedule became Monday-Friday 9-5, supervising the floor staff and hostessing. On Tuesday , Wednesdays and Fridays I changed into my uniform like Superman and waitressed for the much needed money.

This is when I relied heavily on my Parents for help, and I am forever grateful for their assistance. My Dad was recently retired, so he was able to pick them up from school and take them home where they spent the night and drove them back in the morning. I credit my parents with providing the stability they needed at this crucial time in their lives, and also their love of Mom Mom's creamy corn and homemade mac and cheese

Once they were a little older, I found other ways to manage. They could ride the transit bus straight down York Rd, to Northern Pkwy, and walk the 1/2 mile home. They were latch key kids, but were trustworthy and responsible so I didn't worry, plus my job was 10 minutes away.
At one point I also had a co worker/ college student move into the basement and as part of our agreement, she agreed to fix dinner and stay with them on the nights that I worked. That only lasted a few months, but it helped at the time. They were getting tired of shuffling back and forth to Mom Mom's.

Then there were the other activities that boys need to get into, Soccer and Little league, I wasn't always able to transport them to these events but somehow we managed.

As it became increasingly rare when their Dad showed up, I looked into Boy Scouts as a place for a strong male role model. Did I ever luck out with Troop 35. I had 2 busboys who worked with me who were both 17 and still in the scouts, and they were cool, hip kids. That was a huge part of our lives for 8 years and both sons made Eagle.
I can't help believe that the responsibilities they assumed as kids, have made them into the solid individuals they are today.

We just returned from an overnight trip to visit George and Phyllis, 2 of Jim's oldest Friends and now mine as well.
This on the heels of last weekend with Tom and Martha at our house for the weekend, who are likewise closer to Jim than I, even though I have known George and Tommy longer than Jim has from High school.
Everyone is now in his mid 60 's so things have slowed down a bit, Thank God!!.
The 3 men still got falling down drunk up until a few years ago, forgetting that they weren't 30 or even 40 any more. There were many late night " discussions/arguments", forgotten in the morning over coffee and serious hangovers.....Warriors all.... Boys to the end!!
The dynamics have changed dramatically. Jim now has renal failure, and cannot drink .Tom has also had health issues, 2 heart attacks and bypass surgery, obesity and bad legs. George seems to be doing well despite a broken ankle a few years back, and a benign growth that was removed from his colon prior to that.
The ladies have fared better. Phyllis retired from BCBS several years ago and since she and George never had children, she had a long career, accumulating a substantial retirement package.
They purchased a 5th wheel, and a big truck, and now winter in Florida and summer at home.
They made some good investments , even though they are at a low point now, but live quite comfortably on social security and her pension.
Tom and Martha are another story. Martha had one child when she married Tom, and then produced two more. Everyone is grown and gone but not too far away that they don't visit often. Phyllis and George are God parents to all of them.
Tom has made some bad business choices in the past which have followed them through life. He is currently working for a very good friend in Balto, and commutes home to PA on weekends. Yet they have somehow managed to find the resources to suddenly travel a lot, to Upper state NY, Nags head, The Florida Keys and even Hawaii all in the past year,. I must confess I am jealous given our situation in regards to dialysis, health care expenses and such. It doesn't seem fair somehow.
Everyone is coping with aging and retirement in their own way. I feel like we are in Limbo, waiting for Jim to find a kidney and move on. I don't want a 5Th wheel , Retiring in Fla doesn't appeal to me at all, but I would like to enjoy the last years my life, seeing new things and places.

I am starting to get excited about my Road trip to visit Primo and Segundo, but dread the thought of buying clothes that Fit. ie Fat clothes.

Everything looks so cute until I put it on and turn sideways and attempt to close the waist band.

I am really struggling with my self image. I feel like Oprah and Kirstie Allie, like How did this happen to me?
I know it is lack of exercise and not eating what is good for me. Jim's diet is not conducive to weight loss plus he constantly brings home sweets...cookies, donuts, pies. He never craved any of this until he stopped drinking.
I am hoping to get in a lot more veggies now that the summer is coming. He has planted a big garden this year and Lord knows, we've had some rain..

I was in Berlin yesterday to visit my Dentist and couldn't help from laughing when I saw this in the thrift shop next door.Yes, it is the little town where Julia Roberts played

Runaway Bride opposite Richard Geer.


The town strikes me as being something between Mayberry and Stepford. The Dental practice seems to service a lot of Seniors who dress neatly in in their tan pant suits and matching pumps. One such lady was seated in the waiting room when I arrived, quietly reading a hard cover book which I assummed was hers. When they called her into the office, she left it on the table and it was The Bible. The Bible..have the Gideons expanded their misssion?I found this quite odd.

Jim has gone up to Joell's for the day/night. She is having some minor reconstructive surgery done, and he is taking Max to his first Baseball game of the year.


I'm glad that he is getting more involved with the kids. They surely will benefit from his wit and personality, after all, he is still a boy at heart.


We spent most of last night over Betty's house, trying to salvage what was not put into storage. The contractor is ready to paint and put flooring down and wanted everything gone. It was an impossible task. We spent 4 + hours sorting out clothes to donate, things to save and making piles of boxes and bags. Dishes, and vases and lamps. Books and hats and pots and pans.


We were both drained, physically and emotionally when we got home.


We didn't even attempt to empty the closets. There are enough clothes, shoes and wigs to outfit a small 3 rd world country. I wish I knew someone who wore a size 6 1/2 shoe....I could make you Imelda Marcos overnight.


Maybe my friend Wanda ( sorry Clare, You'll always be Wanda to me) is right. She is working/studying in the Geriatric field and she says all she wants to do is live in a little trailer that she can haul around when she gets tired of one place, She's seen how much stuff old people accumulate over the years when she was cleaning houses. I know, it isn't pretty.


I had the same problem with My Mom's stuff. Making decisions about what was important and why she kept some things an not others. Thank goodness my Brother was able to be more objective.

In spite of all the hassle of the packing and dragging and sorting, I felt it was a bonding experience for Us.
I really love this new Jim who has become more responsible and caring.

Belated Birthday Blog

I can't believe how quickly time passes even though I have had moments in my life that I thought would never end, both good and bad.

So many routine days that now, looking back, are precious memories. Baby's first word or step, family dinners, Holiday Feasts. A best friend to see every day and confide in, a fun weekend with girlfriends, campouts, family vacations, PTA meetings, cookouts. Ordinary things that become extraordinary in my mind with the passing of years.

So many of these are lost when a relationship ends. Friends go one way or the other, families divide, responsibilites shift

The circle changes to accommodate a new job, or place, or a new partner .

Another family to meet, children to accept, friends you hope like you.

I am envious of my friends who have ridden the waves of marriage and are still together after many years and yes, there are a few
They have a common bond to lean on, being the parents of the same kids with the same values, experiences and expectations. There is a continuity to their lives that I have never experienced.

Family has always been my mainstay and now the top layers have all crumbled.

I am the Matriarch, my Brother the Patriarch and we each have our own little families.

I am now A Grandmother for the first time and it is wonderful.

Jim and I have been together for almost 15 years so we are writing our own continuing story

It is good.

Memories of Dad

For some unknown reason, I've had Dad on my mind. It may be the coming of Spring and the thought of planting vegetable and herb seeds once again, watching the daffodil and crocus poke cautiously through the winter soil .

Maybe it's the unanswered question of how he would react to the New President, would he still be Archie Bunker or could he get past that?

It could be the mention of programs to get people back to work It reminds me of his own experience in the CCC which gave him hope in his youth. I think he would approve if he truly understood that we are getting back to basics.

The last time I saw him alive I think we both knew it. He was in the hospital in Baltimore and I was leaving to return to Delaware, . He was in good humor and when the nurse addressed him "Hey good lookin"" He responded "Whatcha got cookin" in that silly way of his that was endearing
We looked at each other for a very long time, like he was trying to take it all in and hold it forever.

I hesitated several time before finally departing, and I think I cried all the way home

I have such a busy week ahead. My calendar is starting to look like Mom Mom's, full of Doctor appointments.
I have 2 PT sessions, a follow up with my Primary, and the first of 5 weekly sessions with the Orthopedic PA for a shot of Supartz in both knees. It is designed to lubricate the knee between the joint to increase flexibility. If it works it will help avoid replacement knee surgery .
We are also packing up the area to be tiled, ie kitchen furniture and TV room. That is the first project to be tackled. We are waiting to hear about the home equity to proceed with the others.
The floor will be started next Monday.
We had a great weather weekend, temps in the 60's and sunshine. It makes me anxious to get on with Spring!!

Ah..February.
Can be the last cold month of winter or not.
I am anxious to get on with Spring as are most people who don't ski or snowboard.
I am also trying to not let the economy be an issue, but we are applying for a Home equity loan to get some home improvements done.
We have ceramic tile for the kitchen and TV room, are hoping to replace the counter top and sink, and put an island in where the kitchen table is.
We would also like to change the the flooring in the LR and DR. and Maybe get a new fancy washer and dryer!

Personally, I am going through some restoration as well.
I got a cortisone shot in my shoulder last week which helped with the pain from when I fell on it in Dec. I had my knees x-rayed, and they showed osteo arthritis in both patellas. I am getting shots (not the same thing) for them next week and started P.T. on Tuesday. There was an old man in the training room going on about Gitmo and how the prisoners should all be shot in the head when they are released, and then started quoting Rush Limbaugh, his hero. It was hilarious. He even hated the Indians (Native Americans) because, get this, they killed our soldiers. When I reminded him, politely, that they were here first he said they had no deeds to prove it. Well just shoot me in the head for being so liberal! Don't these people even want to "Get It?"
I really dislike this aging process. The wisdom that comes with it is great, but of course all in hindsight. By the time you learn the tricks, you're too stiff to roll over.

I have really been neglecting this since I got involved in Facebook. The most amazing missing person I have discovered is my old friend Wanda whom I worked with at Woodies. We generally opened the restaurant together every morning and discussed all aspects of our lives, while making soup and setting up the line.

I had a mutiny of sorts going on in the end of my tenure, a coup by some disgruntled employees, that spread like a cancer through the the kitchen and Dining room making it impossible for me to manage. It was based on rumors and false accussations, threats of union involvement and my own lack of a strong mentor within the company. It took it's toll on me , and I eventually resigned. Wanda was one of the faithful who was loyal to the end. She stayed on through the next manager who succeeded in disposing of the white trash druggies who were causing the dissent.

I haven't heard from her for 20 years. It has been exciting to correspond with her again. We have both changed so much, and have so much to relay. It has made my week.