I have been journaling lately with a Pen so I haven't been blogging much. Unfortunately my desktop computer has been a PITA so mostly I use my notebook for FB and email.
It's amazing how terrible my handwriting has gotten from not using it much anymore aside from addresing envelopes and signing checks.
At any rate, I don't know how to describe my feeling after 5 months withour Jim. It is very lonely. I am still overwhelmed by thoughts of downsizing and moving which is inevitable but not urgent. The big yard sale will have to wait for the spring, and currently my main concern is keeping warm since the temps have dropped suddenly and dontcha know my heat is not kicking on. I have been waiting for service since Wednesday but I am grateful that I have baseboard electric which works in some rooms, a space heater for the LR and heavy blankets for the BR. I personally love cold sheets, but it is too chilly for one leg out :-).
Overall I am in good spirits and have been stepping out with my Bereavement friends at the luncheons and drop in meetings. I still cry every day over the dumbest reminders of Jim, and sometimes actually break down and wail, for no apparent reason...just a release I guess.
I had my 2011, 12 taxes done yesterday and will be mailing them as soon as I get a mortgage statement from BOA. Mary Ann would not accept payment for processing them since in 2013 we will be starting fresh with none of Jim's BS. I was very grateful for that, we both cried, and since I sent some payment in for both years, I think, I don't owe anything.
I still feel lazy. like I am not doing enough, but I think I am still exhausted from the stress of the last 4 years of caregiving, chauffering, cooking, nursing, cleaning etc. I have been taking marathon breaks catching up on Homeland, Dexter and other shows I have missed. I cook almost every day for myself, as that is my therapy and now
My elderly lady friends want me to cook for them, they are in Lewes and not close by, so I am not sure how that would work.
I was invited to stay later after the lunch this week and have coffee with the Hospice Volunteers and that was an honor. They didn't realy know mw so I shared my story and of course received hugs and we all shared tears. I think I may have stumbled onto the "Cougar" faction of the group but they are fun and closer to my age.
I have signed up for a few lectures /luncheons that are held in Milford by a Psychologist everyone calls Dr. Judy. One of them is "Surviving the Holidays" which I know will be tough this year. Another one i am looking forward to is Healing your inner child. Boy, do I ever need that!!! I am on a road to discovering myself...
In my effort to heal I am going back through that old crap I carry around and doing some house cleaning.
Anger is an issue I now have because I don't think I was ever allowed to express it as a child. Now it comes spouting out of me like lava and I am trying to let it go. Everyone who has hurt me has their own issues, which probably have nothing to do with me.
I did a great job caring for Jim even if it was more than hard sometimes. I did it out of love and compassion and I am glad that things between us got a lot softer towards the end. I know he loved me and trusted me more than anyone in his life. Posted by Leslie Wardell at 4:42 PM No comments: Location

Sunday morning
Woke up slowly after a restless night's sleep. The mornings are rough for me as I still have that fear of coming downstairs to face whatever occurred during the night, then remembering that Jim is gone.
This morning I missed the Sunday morning ritual of his making the coffee and maybe going out to buy the Sunpaper.
These were some of our finest days. We would watch the morning talk shows, have a big breakfast and he would honker down for a day of sports events on TV. and I would piddle around in the kitchen planning dinner and later working on the crossword puzzle while watching Lifetime TV or a movie.
These are the moments when I loved our life together the most. The quiet times with no stress or distress.
I had many dreams last night and in one, we had gone out for dinner and the waitres couldn't find our check. I waited for her to produce it while he went out to the car to wait. There was still some problem and I told her I needed to pay it immediately because my husband wasn't feeling well, well actully I said he was dead......very strange...and the meal was unreasonably expensive.