I can't remember ever being as worn out as I feel now. Every morning when I open my eyes I feel  a fire in my stomach and my entire body aches from head to toe.
I have been trying to lie still for a while and coach my brain to go back to whatever dream I was having so that I can delay the reality of the day.
 Granted, the waking on my own time is a real break  after the months of the 5 AM fire drills,  but as hard as I try, I cannot stay in bed once the thoughts start popping and then racing through my mind.
 Did I pay the bills on time, does the trash need to go out, am I out of cat food, must buy litter...need gas ...can I take the day off from all responsibilities without guilt..do I really need to be by his side every day....? Where is everyone else???

 I have been trying to face my fears and anxiety and sense of isolation for such a long time it seems.   I met briefly with the Social Worker and she was very sympathetic to my needs. Hopefully, she will find me a support group to help me cope with this constantly declining situation.

I am enjoying the serentiy of this afternoon. Jim was a bit anxious this morning at Dialysis but he has since calmed down.
He  ate lunch and a snack, and got a shower given my the home health aide. Now he is napping. I am so glad that I enquired about that yesterday. As long as the nurses are coming, he is entitled to that service. It saved us another argument!!
 I am soo tired...not just from the additional physical work I have taken on, but more emtionally drained. We are still waiting to hear what the next step will be and when.
 I am truly trying to live in the moment but it is difficult,

Just recovering from the last few weeks dealing with Jim and his burn/wound surgery and hopefully recovery. I mean.... why can't a MAN realize when he is getting worse and seek medical advice.... What started out as a minor burn became so irritated and inflamed and ignored by him that it escalated into a 3rd degree burn requiring surgery and a wound vac....only after I got him to a wound center...
 What started as malignant HBP back in the 70's before we met , was negletcted and resuted in ambo transport to a Baltimore hospital while we were dating
 The Docs were  concerned about his kidney function then but he never followed through on the tests....NOW he has ESRF...and has been on dialysis for 4 years.
  If only,...if only... if only....
  I have now become my Mother who nagged at my Father all the time...Hard headed stubborn MEN who think they know what is best for them which is usually the opposite of what you suggest or what they need.....this is not my Desire ..all the angry words....this is not the way I want to spend my life..this is not  the Army I signed up for....anyone willing to step in and take over is welcomed.....Love is not enough anymore ....I have a lot of resentment for his children, who truly have their own problems for real, for not understanding how hard these last few months have been on our well being...our relationship...our future....

Birthday

Here it is, another Birthday. but at least this one comes with rewards.
My first check will arrive next month so I will start reaping the benefits of my years of work.
Thoughts?
I don't feel this old. I feel fat. I want to work on that.
I still feel sad. I feel alone sometimes. I feel like no one sees my point.
I want to take charge of my future but it is difficult because too many things out of my control are unresolved.
I want to feel strong again. I miss my independence. I miss my friends.
Most of all, I miss Jim...and the way he was. I want him to get his kidney so that we can move on.

Just returned home after an extended stay in Atlanta playing Mema and trying to assist in the new baby/new job/new hours transition.
After a few days of adjustment things went rather smoothly I think with the best part being bonding with Gustav and meeting Greta, of course. I even slipped out to catch a movie and, of course grocery shop. I enjoy going to different stores just to see what is new and different and of course to stock up on some things I must have in my larder if I am going to cook for 3 weeks.
I also traveled to Gabe's new theater and saw "The Artist" before the Oscars.
The last week, I spent a few days with Debbie, my former accomplice from the Golden Arm days, and stayed with her in Norcross for 2 nights. We spent our time perusing cookbooks, eating, having martinis and shopping in second hand stores. I wish we lived closer together because we really do enjoy the same things. She is a whiz at garage sales and has made some great buys, not that she needs to. We had a great time and spent our last day at the DeKalb farmers market which is a paradise for foodies like us.
I was fortunate to not overbuy there and I was very clever packing my suitcases. TSA searched my big luggage, which has been done before , probably because I had a bottle of Grand Marnier, Rice wine vinegar and sweet chili sauce packed along with a large pizza pan and some other suspicious looking stuff like a brick of arborio rice and packaged herbs. I can just imagine what it looked like on the ex ray....major drug dealer...
As usual, there is no place like home and I am happy to be back on my turf again. I'm still tired but content and happy to be here with Jim and the kitties...We have a lot of decisions to make in the coming months. He must get this transplant done so that we can move forward in a positive direction.
The weather has been so dreary for the most part and I an hoping we have a real spring and not jump into 90o temps. I have many thing to do.

Big news! Prudence had a successful surgery yesterday for both organs and seems to be recovering well. I'm not sure how long she will be in the hospitol but it is life changing for her as she will no longer be diabetic.
That has got to be an amazing feeling!

Trying to get the household in order before my upcoming trip to Atlanta. I have been freezing prepared food for Jim so he doesn't feel compelled to eat cheesesteak subs all the time.:-) There is an assortment of home made soups, stew, pasta sauce with meatballs, chicken pot pie and stuffed peppers( one of his faves)in addition to an array of canned goods and a well stocked freezer with beef patties and hot dogs.


I've paid the bills for February and have typed some business contracts for him.


I have lined up deposit slips and coupons for his convenience. I have filled all necessary prescriptions for both of us


Now I have to concentrate on my own chores...packing and such, deciding how much and how little I really need to take. I have time.


I spent a lot of time last week watching "The Tudors" marathon, so dark and exciting....I was mesmerized . I've always been interested in that period of reformation in the church. I still can't figure out why Henry disliked the Lutheran "Heretics" so much while he was, in essence, doing the same thing to the Catholic Church, and persecuting to thise who abided by the Pope.


The politics remains the same today, with secret alliances and favoritism. I guess we never really learn from these mistakes, and Greed rules, be it religious or private, or Corporate.


Now I have started to watch "John Adams" and the same type violence has appeared in the first episode with a very graphic tar and feathering scene. It was as horrific and disturbing as the beheadings and hangings of the 15th century. Amazing the ways man finds ways to torture and kill one another. Evil is Evil, no matter what the outcome.

Had my initial visit with the Therapist yesterday and the time just flew by. We went 10 minutes over but she at least got an idea of how my life has changed since Jim and I first got together.
Her closing comment was." You certainly have a lot on your plate", and in the "therapist demeanor " responded positively to everything I mentioned therefore creating a trust/friendship. We are scheduled for next week, ST, SP.
I don't know what happened but I slept in this morning until 10:45...haven't done that in years...Maybe it was the session and my brain resting for a change. Perhaps I have an ally here, someone to listen to me, and actually HEAR what I am saying.

Black and Purple

I had such a great day yesterday! Jim and I went to Bob and Jackie's to watch the Ravens Game.
The game itself was somewhat disappointing but we WON so that is the important thing. It was just fun to experience the game with other people.
Jackie said Bob had left the Christmas decorations up so we could enjoy them.
They have a very pretty house in Rehoboth with a lot of space. The tree was in the Living room and had a set of American Flyer trains at the base. Every time the Ravens scored Bob turned it on and gave it 1 turn around the track and blew the whistle Whooo Whooo....

We were home by 6 so we had the evening to ourselves. Jim continued watching the next game and I sought out something else to watch.
"Calamity Jane" with Doris Day was streaming on Netflix. That is the first movie I ever remember seeing as a family at the Avenue theater on Milton Avenue. I had to be 5 or 6 but it had such an impact on me. I wanted to be Doris Day and sing. For years I waited for it to come on TV.
I think I loved it because my Father did. He was not a movie goer but for some reason he chose this one. He also commented on how pretty she was, and how nice her teeth were. (He had a thing about teeth)
In my memory, this is the only time we ever went to a theater. Later, when we moved to Parkville, we would occasionally go to the drive-in, maybe once a year.
My Brother and I saw many movies at the Avenue that I fully recall, Moulon Rouge, The War of the Worlds, and Houdini with Tony Curtis, which I sat through twice so that my parents actually had to come to the theater and get the usher to find me. We moved when I was seven so all of these memories are prior to that.
I was sheer joy to watch it again, as dumb as it was.

Still gray and dreary. Some sort of precipitation to make it feel heavy.
I spent most of yesterday doing nothing...a little sewing..packing up the tree balls..waiting for Jim to feel well enough to cart some stuff out to the garage.
I am thinking that the procedure has affected him more that we originally thought. His stomach has been troubling him and he is tired.
He hardly sleeps anyway. 5 hours tops, but he's lately been cat napping alot!
I am still waiting for a call back from a therapist's office for myself.
Ah well, the coffee is good...

January blah blah blah

I am up early today. Had some trouble sleeping so I thought I would get a jump on the day. Good thing too..Jim forgot to roll the trash out so I got it out to the road before the pickup.
I am also researching a therapist who accepts Medicare. I have got to get out of this funk. All day yesterday, I packed up decorations to be taken to the garage.
I also did 3 loads of laundry and prepared dinner. Jim made a few phone calls, went to the local mail box and watched TV in his cave.
I guess if I stop expecting him to offer to help me We could make this work, but I am so burned out from thinking for two.

Some kind of good news. Bitsy seems to have adapted to her injury and new lifestyle living in the garage. She actually came up to the house today and yesterday to have some food. She looks clean and pudgy. Her left paw is turned upward and her tail is gone, but she hops on 3 legs, rather quickly at times.

She also seemed to get a little closer than usual. Maybe she is accepting us being her caretakers. I let Beau stand at the screen door and watch her. She has no fear of him, but if one of the girls shows up, she retreats. It is a wise Mother who knows her Son.

Other than that it it a typical winter's day here. Semi gray, semi cold.

Still working on the decorations...maybe make it to the garage today with the tree...

New Year

So it is a new year again...the year of my official retirement age...filed my papers last week. First check coming in April...


Hope it is the year of the kidney, for Jim and for Prudence.


I think I will try to take down the decorations today. We've been blessed with moderate weather and have not taken advantage of it.


Trying to practice a little Zen...no resolutions...smaller steps...one day at a time...

Wish I knew why my heart feels like it's breaking all the time. I think I spend too much time worrying about everyone but me.