Wow...having a scary day here in DE with the hurricane and such but yesterday had an real anxiety attack or some thing which woke me up in the Wee hours ...bad dreams....dreaming about Titanic ..and the scene where the old people laid down in bed and hugged...and the one when the family went to sleep together...and I felt so alone.

I am having a bad weekend. All of this stress is catching up with me.


Jim is improving daily, but really resents me because he is so dependent on me.


His anger flares up at the slightest thing, and I get sucked into an argument before i know it.


I try not to have hurt feelings, but asking Jim for affirmation or affection is like asking him to violate all of his principles.


He finds me "needy" and compares me to his company manager who is the biggest Ass hole in the world but is constantly looking for an "Attaboy" pat on the back. He also plots against Jim at every turn.


I just like to know if something I cooked tastes good, or if he likes something I've done for him. I am a people pleaser and i don't understand why he can't accept that and work with it.


He now is convinced that I am a narcissus......ME...the person with no identity or life to speak of.


It is just nice to know that you are appreciated. i am worn out. My days are filled with his needs.
I hope this brain injury heals. I cannot imagine living my life this way for a long period of time.

I was listening to NPR the other day and heard the end of an interview that Terry Gross did with Gary Shteyugart who is a writer and authored a humorous novel about the future of the USA. The show was a rebroadcast so the book has been out fotr a while. The future is bleak, with our country having only one political party and the ability to read has vanished because we don't need to, other than texting on the Iphone. It is a love story

He is a Jewish immigrant from the USSR and like all Jewish humorists and/or comedians he carries that guilt around , that fear of not being good enough, and the persecution that is almost inborn. Sound familiar?

I was not an immigrant, nor was I raised by a Jewish family, but I share in his feelings just the same.

The remark that got me interested enough to come home an play the entire podcast was a statement he made about what he learned in therapy.

In the end, we become our own parents in addition to all the stuff we've added by trying not to be like them.

Isn't that funny? I totally relate and have these truly Jennie moments especially the impatience of dealing with my partner who has become somewhat slower than he was.

Vacation

With the appearance of sunshine ( at last) and rising temperatures, I realize that it is Spring, and that Summer is indeed approaching.
I feel like my family feels forced to spend their free time here, not that I mind at all, nor that it is a bad destination being a resort town, but that it is more of an obligation than a vacation, and not as enjoyable as a real vacation should be.
That is the price we pay for the distance between us all year round and our desire to spend time together.
I am suggesting that perhaps this summer, we could all rent a big house, on the beach in North Carolina and all have a change of view. Rental Property is much more affordable than here.
Ant thoughts?

Saturday after surgery

It has been a peaceful day here at the rehab center aka HOME!
I woke up around 8:30 after a good night's sleep, made coffee, instant oatmeal and took my meds all before Jim came home from his treatment.
The PT came around 1PM and once the torture ended, I grabbed the vicotin, the ice pack and crashed back in bed.
It seems to be the most comfortable spot to be in when I want to alleviate bending my knee. Other than the D.Room chair with arms there are no other seats high enough not to cause a pull when I stand.
The sofa is way too low and hard to negotiate, but not to worry. I have mission control set up in my room, with my notebook computer, DVD player and TV along with my phones and cats.
Jim has been great, absolutely stellar, keeping my water glass full and helping with the ice packs.
Currently I am sitting in the office, paying some bills, and about to move to the kitchen table for dinner.....Yumm....Dungeness Crabs.
We've been smart about food. Yesterday the rotisserie chickens were on sale so he bought 2, ate 1 for supper, and I still have one to pick for salad or soup or pot pie. We have meat for sandwiches, cans of good soup, and yogurts for dessert.
We meet up for meals and go on our seperate ways to watch sports or drama.(After all, it is MARCH!!!)
What a perfect relationship....I feel like Laura Lippman and Davis Simon.
BTW, I watched Eat Pray Love and enjoyed it. It could be the drugs, but then again I like Lifetime movies. I also watched Wall Street 2, which was predictable but entertaining. I am off of politics for today and that was too close to truth.
When I was on the Ortho floor, one of the Aides was shocked that I was the only patient not watching American Idol. I took pride in that!

Pre Birthday thoughts

Mentally Preparing for my upcoming surgery which has now been scheduled for Monday, 3 days sooner than expected.
What a weekend for me:-)...Big Birthday and all.
And as If we weren't already stressing about the date changing, and Jim having to rearrange his dialysis appointments, We. got a call from U of Md. about a possible transplant.
Like before, it was just a fire drill but the angst of waiting for the call back is paralyzing. What can you do but sit still. Should we pack a bag, fix dinner, call a cat sitter?
I hate to sound selfish, but I was relieved when they didn't call back. Just let me get through this step before we start on that one.

I am feeling more and more like Andy Rooney every day.
I found an old newspaper ad from 2001 for canned tuna ...3 cans for $1, OK, it wasn't for white albacore or anything like that but now you find the same product on sale, sometimes, at 2 for $1.
The difference is that the cans are significantly smaller, can barely make 1 sandwich
Same with Ice cream...there are no longer 1/2 gallons , even though they are giving the consumer the image and run frequent sales to give the illusion of savings, even though most of us shy away from this, ( although it is a treat, and purchased sparingly in my household.
So, I received my Medicare card last week. i am of the generation who payed in on every paycheck I ever received. I don't consider this an entitlement, I see it as money I contributed towards a secure future.
I'll see how it works starting tomorrow!!

In my frantic search through the house for personal papers regarding retirement issues, I have been touching a lot of "old" stuff which have stirred up memories.
Nor surprisingly this morning I found myself reflecting on choices I have made and once again berating myself for the truly bad ones. The truth be known, I have never had a plan. I don't know why, I've had dreams, but no mentor to guide me on to a path.
Maybe it's because we were the first wave of baby Boomers to hit the school syatem which was sorely unprepared for the crush. Some years we were on split shifts until new facilities were completed. Teachers didn't have much time to spend with idividual students.
Maybe my parents were satisfied with their own fulfillment,the American dream of the 50's with a house in the burbs, a car and a stereo.
Growing up during the Great Depression, They were pleased that we were able to complete high school, and didn't expect more or prepare us for higher education.
And the options were minimal compared to today.
My female peers generally went on to the commercial world where they became a secretary until she was lucky enough to marry.
Acadenic scholars went on to college to becoma a teacher or into nursing school to pursue that career,
The General diploma graduates went on to unskilled jobs or marriage.
Even though I persued the academic course, I was basically an unskilled laborer when i graduated. My desire to be a nurse was squashed by my Parent's lack of interest ie money.
I often wonder if they had made that one little investment how different my life might be
Maybe if my BFF hadn't gotten pregnant at 16 and gotten married, I wouldn't have felt so desparate to be loved. Somehow that made marriage an option for me.
I have always been a hopeless romantic so when I fell in love at 18, I got married. I was already feeling like an old maid.
I hope that the girls of today appreciate the many choices that are available to them.

I was just having a memory flash of a time when Jim and I were new, and one of the reasons I fell n love with him.
I was working for Holly Poultry and had to go to Newark NJ for a few days. Jim was living in DE but decided to drive up and stay over night with me at the hotel.
It was a crazy evening starting with the fact that I actually saw him drive past the hotel from my window, then make a U turn to get on to the parking lot. I didn't really expect him to come. I was so excited to see him. It made the trip an adventure.
After kisses and hugs and,well, you know , in the room, we were ready for some dinner. The hotel had a restaurant but Jim didn't relish that idea, so we ventured out on our own to find a place to eat.
By this time it was dark and, Newark NJ is not known for its hospitality and tourist attractions. Jim started driving towards what we thought was the city Somehow we ended up in a bad neighborhood (not hard to do) and saw flashing lights and yellow tape.
It was a crime scene for real, and cops were everywhere.
When one walked over to the car, Jim rolled down the window and asked him where a good restaurant was. Without blinking an eye, the officer gave us directions to a great Italian Bistro which was not more than 1/2 mile away.
We had a fabulous meal and couldn't stop laughing!

I really hate when the holidays end.
I enjoy the lights on the houses and on the trees, especially my own.
They brighten and soften at the same time, making things feel festive and cheerful.
The chore of removing and storing them is always a painful act for me.
The holiday is over, January is upon us and it is a long way until Spring
I still have cookies in tins and frozen packs of ham and turkey in the freezer waiting for my taste for them to return.
We had a good visit from the families. Gustav was a particular joy with his love for anything with wheels and his pure delight with truck and train toys.
I missed my Mom a lot this year and wonder if I am going through the motions just for her, the rituals of baking, the big turkey dinner, the special breakfast.
I wonder how much she would love meeting Goose and being enchanted by his charming personality.
But even with the rituals, our lives have changed since her passing.
No one lives close by, so it has become an ordeal to get to Grandmother's House and then have to sleep in unfamiliar surroundings.
It seems to make everyone uncomfortable, wrecks their routines and schedules. It is also expensive to travel and that creates a financial burden and not all of us could be here.
I did make an effort to "downsize" a bit. We ate more casually in the kitchen. I used everyday plates and silver. I didn't decorate every nook and cranny, as I have been known to do, or make 4 desserts which no one is interested in anymore.
Still, I tried to keep the spirit alive despite my ailing knee and lowered expectations.
I attempted to set up the little train set but Goose was still too little to fully appreciate it. That was my Dad's part of Christmas, another family ritual.
We are all going through different passages in our lives. Growing older and facing health issues and impending limited finances, the young families coping with the reality of the economy, the necessary choices that need to be made and all of our hopes for the future.
Things just felt a little flat to me.