Suddenly I realized that I need to get organized for my trip to Atlanta. At least it gives me something different to do.
I am anxious but I am feeling that fear daily. I notice it mostly in the morning when I first open my eyes and remember what has transpired. Of course, when Jim was sick I felt the same way only with a sense of dread and fear of what I would find when I came downstairs. Some days he was up and about ready to go to dialysis. Other days he was still asleep with the alarm blaring. I just never knew what to expect.
I am also remembering the really bad times in our relationship, before he became so ill and dependent.
Jim was no angel, especially when he was drinking heavily, and I didn't think I could ever forgive him for making life changing decisions in regards to his family without discussion, like my opinion was irrelavant and I didn't exist...Bringing both of his parents to our new home to die was not in my game plan but Jim could not see outside the box. I am grateful that Lou passed away before he was discharged but all of the equipment was in place here, the hospital bed and oxygen, etc. He had Prudence and Jody come into our house and move the furniture while I was in Baltimore attending to My Mother's needs..I was furious...
We had some horrible arguments and said hurtful things to one another. Several times it became physical, not beating but pushing and throwing things. I was very unhappy, disappointed in my partner, as he was with me for not being Melanie from "Gone with the Wind", but I was hurt and sad and I felt his loyalties were misplaced..
Looking back, I don't think I realized how depressed I was. I was so down I couldn't even look for a job. My self image deteriorated and I just gave up.
When Jim was diagnosed with Renal Failure we faced it together and once we accepted it life returned to normal.
Then the other ailments started ie the Fall, the bleed, the seizures the rehab, and the burn.
The past 3 years have been an endless circle of Hospitals, surgeries, rehab, Hospitals, surgeries, rehab. It was exhausting, but I started feeling the love again.
Jim was always happy to see me, would lean over in the car and kiss me and thank me for driving him. When I brought the tailgate party on Superbowl Sunday to him in Deershead he had all the nurses come in and partake.
On Valentine's Day I brought him Chinese food from his favorite restaurant and he enjoyed it.
I truly believe that the two of us grew closer in the end because it was just the two of us...no one else participated in his care outside of phone calls and drive by visits.
So Jim, now that you have left I am starting to heal and forgiving both of us for our past anger and resentments.
I miss you every day but I had been missing you for a long time. I am grateful for the good memories we shared, the laughter and the joy. Thank you for the time we had together!