OK, the chest exray showed that the mass was still there so i had a Bronschotomy done on Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving.
Fortunately for me , Gabe and Trin were in the vacinity attending a Memorial service for Ben and Barbara who died in a tragedy last week but that is another terrible story in our lives
I am so grateful that Gabe was here to drive me to the procedure.
It was performed under sedation a tube up my nose and into my chest. He was able to get some cell samples but not a biopsy because I had a nose bleed and i was choking.
SCARY stuff
Gabe made a seafood quiche for dinner, I spent time with Gustav and Greta on T day and they were able to visit my Bro and SIL as well as John and Molly..
So it is Saturday night..I must be insane because I just roasted an oven stuffer that has been on my freezer for months, hoping to peak Jim's appetite...
My way, I guess of making dinner for the family..maybe taking care of myself or just playing those old tapes..
Thanksgiving has some bitter sweet memories for me..There was the year that Zak and Gabe were forced to have dinner with Von"s family with Pork, mashed potatoes and corn, in the "club room" of his sisters home ..I was so ashamed about that because they were so disapponted
Then there was the Thanksgiving after Lou died, and Mom Mom was in the hospital. Gabe was with Amy then and we had her Father there for dinner..and Betty and Sue and David and kids..very sad...
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Wednesday
I think I will get the chest x-ray done today so I will be sure that the Doc gets it by Friday.
I really haven't been out much since last week, but I need to pick up some prescriptions and back up cat food in case he wants to admit me again.
I feel better, more energetic and the coughing is becomming less frequent and more productive so I am taking that as a positive. Also spent a lot of time yesterday looking up infectious diseases like Legionnaires and Mercer and I know I am on the right course with the antibiotics if that proves to be the case
I've been such a couch potato but I don't want to exert myself even though I have a million things I should be doing.
I'm also debating whether or not to go to the luncheon tomorrow but I feel like I really need to get out of the house and see the "Girls".
One can only watch so much Dexter at one time...
I really haven't been out much since last week, but I need to pick up some prescriptions and back up cat food in case he wants to admit me again.
I feel better, more energetic and the coughing is becomming less frequent and more productive so I am taking that as a positive. Also spent a lot of time yesterday looking up infectious diseases like Legionnaires and Mercer and I know I am on the right course with the antibiotics if that proves to be the case
I've been such a couch potato but I don't want to exert myself even though I have a million things I should be doing.
I'm also debating whether or not to go to the luncheon tomorrow but I feel like I really need to get out of the house and see the "Girls".
One can only watch so much Dexter at one time...
Monday, November 18, 2013
The waiting Game
Got through the weekend by hanging out with the kitties and watching Dexter almost non stop. The pulmonologist reviewed the cat scan and didn't think the mass represented cancer, although that has not been ruled out.
He wanted to admit me to the hospital for IV antibiotics but I declined. This is one of the hardest things about being alone. I have to make arrangements for the cats etc. in advance. Instead he agreed to start me on oral antibiotics and I had blood and urine samples taken as an out patient at the hospital. I think he is looking for infectious diseases like Mercer and Legionnaires....God only knows what I have been exposed to this past year in my frequent hospital visits.
I see him again on Friday. Some time this week I need to have another chest x-ray. I also submitted a morning sputum sample to the lab on Saturday and was grateful to find a Beebe Express Lab closer to home that was open.
He expressed emphatically that if I started feeling worse to go to the ER but I am not in any pain or discomfort, just crackly when I breathe. The sputum is generally clear, not thick or discolored. I have no fever, chills or other ailments.
It has occurred to me that the first weekend in May, Jim and I went to our reunion in Baltimore and stayed at the hotel where the dinner was. The Monday after we returned, I became feverish and had a terrible cough and went to see my primary. She prescribed a narcotic cough syrup but was hesitant to give me antibiotics because of my exposure to the C dif that Jim was struggling with. Later in the week when it hadn't improved she did allow me to take a mild antibiotic....it could be that I had something that never fully went away...just sayin'
Sooo...I am trying very hard to stay in the moment and not project into the future. Limboland...
He wanted to admit me to the hospital for IV antibiotics but I declined. This is one of the hardest things about being alone. I have to make arrangements for the cats etc. in advance. Instead he agreed to start me on oral antibiotics and I had blood and urine samples taken as an out patient at the hospital. I think he is looking for infectious diseases like Mercer and Legionnaires....God only knows what I have been exposed to this past year in my frequent hospital visits.
I see him again on Friday. Some time this week I need to have another chest x-ray. I also submitted a morning sputum sample to the lab on Saturday and was grateful to find a Beebe Express Lab closer to home that was open.
He expressed emphatically that if I started feeling worse to go to the ER but I am not in any pain or discomfort, just crackly when I breathe. The sputum is generally clear, not thick or discolored. I have no fever, chills or other ailments.
It has occurred to me that the first weekend in May, Jim and I went to our reunion in Baltimore and stayed at the hotel where the dinner was. The Monday after we returned, I became feverish and had a terrible cough and went to see my primary. She prescribed a narcotic cough syrup but was hesitant to give me antibiotics because of my exposure to the C dif that Jim was struggling with. Later in the week when it hadn't improved she did allow me to take a mild antibiotic....it could be that I had something that never fully went away...just sayin'
Sooo...I am trying very hard to stay in the moment and not project into the future. Limboland...
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Sunday November 10 Happy Birthday Marine Corps..
So the lasr few weeks I have really had no energy, feeling lethargic and not like going out a whole lot. All my exercise plans had been discarded and honestly, some days i didn't even feel like getting out of bed.
I had a dental appt on Tuesday, and when the hygienist commented on my wheezing I blamed it on my asthma, which has been terrible this year. But in the spirit of the comment, and trying not to be my Mother, I broke down and made an appt. to see my primary on Friday.
She too heard the popping in my chest, said my throat was red, found fluid behind none ear, and surmised that i probably have walking pneumonia which was confirmed by a chest xray on the spot.
Definitely pneumonia, so she prescribed a new inhaler, z pack of antibiotics and a CT scan on Monday which is scaring the crap out of me. She was concerned about a spot which was rather dense, could be infiltrates from the pneumonia(sp) or could be a mass.
Afer looking up the definition of Walking pneumonia, I realize that lack of energy is a key symptom so I feel justified in my laziness.
Since I have been on the antibiotic though, I slept through last night whith out wheezing or coughing so I hope that is all it is...
I had a dental appt on Tuesday, and when the hygienist commented on my wheezing I blamed it on my asthma, which has been terrible this year. But in the spirit of the comment, and trying not to be my Mother, I broke down and made an appt. to see my primary on Friday.
She too heard the popping in my chest, said my throat was red, found fluid behind none ear, and surmised that i probably have walking pneumonia which was confirmed by a chest xray on the spot.
Definitely pneumonia, so she prescribed a new inhaler, z pack of antibiotics and a CT scan on Monday which is scaring the crap out of me. She was concerned about a spot which was rather dense, could be infiltrates from the pneumonia(sp) or could be a mass.
Afer looking up the definition of Walking pneumonia, I realize that lack of energy is a key symptom so I feel justified in my laziness.
Since I have been on the antibiotic though, I slept through last night whith out wheezing or coughing so I hope that is all it is...
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
I have been journaling lately with a Pen so I haven't been blogging much. Unfortunately my desktop computer has been a PITA so mostly I use my notebook for FB and email.
It's amazing how terrible my handwriting has gotten from not using it much anymore aside from addresing envelopes and signing checks.
At any rate, I don't know how to describe my feeling after 5 months withour Jim. It is very lonely. I am still overwhelmed by thoughts of downsizing and moving which is inevitable but not urgent. The big yard sale will have to wait for the spring, and currently my main concern is keeping warm since the temps have dropped suddenly and dontcha know my heat is not kicking on. I have been waiting for service since Wednesday but I am grateful that I have baseboard electric which works in some rooms, a space heater for the LR and heavy blankets for the BR. I personally love cold sheets, but it is too chilly for one leg out :-).
Overall I am in good spirits and have been stepping out with my Bereavement friends at the luncheons and drop in meetings. I still cry every day over the dumbest reminders of Jim, and sometimes actually break down and wail, for no apparent reason...just a release I guess.
I had my 2011, 12 taxes done yesterday and will be mailing them as soon as I get a mortgage statement from BOA. Mary Ann would not accept payment for processing them since in 2013 we will be starting fresh with none of Jim's BS. I was very grateful for that, we both cried, and since I sent some payment in for both years, I think, I don't owe anything.
I still feel lazy. like I am not doing enough, but I think I am still exhausted from the stress of the last 4 years of caregiving, chauffering, cooking, nursing, cleaning etc. I have been taking marathon breaks catching up on Homeland, Dexter and other shows I have missed. I cook almost every day for myself, as that is my therapy and now
My elderly lady friends want me to cook for them, they are in Lewes and not close by, so I am not sure how that would work.
I was invited to stay later after the lunch this week and have coffee with the Hospice Volunteers and that was an honor. They didn't realy know mw so I shared my story and of course received hugs and we all shared tears. I think I may have stumbled onto the "Cougar" faction of the group but they are fun and closer to my age.
I have signed up for a few lectures /luncheons that are held in Milford by a Psychologist everyone calls Dr. Judy. One of them is "Surviving the Holidays" which I know will be tough this year. Another one i am looking forward to is Healing your inner child. Boy, do I ever need that!!! I am on a road to discovering myself...
In my effort to heal I am going back through that old crap I carry around and doing some house cleaning.
Anger is an issue I now have because I don't think I was ever allowed to express it as a child. Now it comes spouting out of me like lava and I am trying to let it go. Everyone who has hurt me has their own issues, which probably have nothing to do with me.
I did a great job caring for Jim even if it was more than hard sometimes. I did it out of love and compassion and I am glad that things between us got a lot softer towards the end. I know he loved me and trusted me more than anyone in his life. Posted by Leslie Wardell at 4:42 PM No comments: Location
It's amazing how terrible my handwriting has gotten from not using it much anymore aside from addresing envelopes and signing checks.
At any rate, I don't know how to describe my feeling after 5 months withour Jim. It is very lonely. I am still overwhelmed by thoughts of downsizing and moving which is inevitable but not urgent. The big yard sale will have to wait for the spring, and currently my main concern is keeping warm since the temps have dropped suddenly and dontcha know my heat is not kicking on. I have been waiting for service since Wednesday but I am grateful that I have baseboard electric which works in some rooms, a space heater for the LR and heavy blankets for the BR. I personally love cold sheets, but it is too chilly for one leg out :-).
Overall I am in good spirits and have been stepping out with my Bereavement friends at the luncheons and drop in meetings. I still cry every day over the dumbest reminders of Jim, and sometimes actually break down and wail, for no apparent reason...just a release I guess.
I had my 2011, 12 taxes done yesterday and will be mailing them as soon as I get a mortgage statement from BOA. Mary Ann would not accept payment for processing them since in 2013 we will be starting fresh with none of Jim's BS. I was very grateful for that, we both cried, and since I sent some payment in for both years, I think, I don't owe anything.
I still feel lazy. like I am not doing enough, but I think I am still exhausted from the stress of the last 4 years of caregiving, chauffering, cooking, nursing, cleaning etc. I have been taking marathon breaks catching up on Homeland, Dexter and other shows I have missed. I cook almost every day for myself, as that is my therapy and now
My elderly lady friends want me to cook for them, they are in Lewes and not close by, so I am not sure how that would work.
I was invited to stay later after the lunch this week and have coffee with the Hospice Volunteers and that was an honor. They didn't realy know mw so I shared my story and of course received hugs and we all shared tears. I think I may have stumbled onto the "Cougar" faction of the group but they are fun and closer to my age.
I have signed up for a few lectures /luncheons that are held in Milford by a Psychologist everyone calls Dr. Judy. One of them is "Surviving the Holidays" which I know will be tough this year. Another one i am looking forward to is Healing your inner child. Boy, do I ever need that!!! I am on a road to discovering myself...
In my effort to heal I am going back through that old crap I carry around and doing some house cleaning.
Anger is an issue I now have because I don't think I was ever allowed to express it as a child. Now it comes spouting out of me like lava and I am trying to let it go. Everyone who has hurt me has their own issues, which probably have nothing to do with me.
I did a great job caring for Jim even if it was more than hard sometimes. I did it out of love and compassion and I am glad that things between us got a lot softer towards the end. I know he loved me and trusted me more than anyone in his life. Posted by Leslie Wardell at 4:42 PM No comments: Location
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Sunday morning
Woke up slowly after a restless night's sleep. The mornings are rough for me as I still have that fear of coming downstairs to face whatever occurred during the night, then remembering that Jim is gone.
This morning I missed the Sunday morning ritual of his making the coffee and maybe going out to buy the Sunpaper.
These were some of our finest days. We would watch the morning talk shows, have a big breakfast and he would honker down for a day of sports events on TV. and I would piddle around in the kitchen planning dinner and later working on the crossword puzzle while watching Lifetime TV or a movie.
These are the moments when I loved our life together the most. The quiet times with no stress or distress.
I had many dreams last night and in one, we had gone out for dinner and the waitres couldn't find our check. I waited for her to produce it while he went out to the car to wait. There was still some problem and I told her I needed to pay it immediately because my husband wasn't feeling well, well actully I said he was dead......very strange...and the meal was unreasonably expensive.
Woke up slowly after a restless night's sleep. The mornings are rough for me as I still have that fear of coming downstairs to face whatever occurred during the night, then remembering that Jim is gone.
This morning I missed the Sunday morning ritual of his making the coffee and maybe going out to buy the Sunpaper.
These were some of our finest days. We would watch the morning talk shows, have a big breakfast and he would honker down for a day of sports events on TV. and I would piddle around in the kitchen planning dinner and later working on the crossword puzzle while watching Lifetime TV or a movie.
These are the moments when I loved our life together the most. The quiet times with no stress or distress.
I had many dreams last night and in one, we had gone out for dinner and the waitres couldn't find our check. I waited for her to produce it while he went out to the car to wait. There was still some problem and I told her I needed to pay it immediately because my husband wasn't feeling well, well actully I said he was dead......very strange...and the meal was unreasonably expensive.
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