I am feeling tired again today and decided to give myself the day off. No heavy lifting today, mulching, digging etc.
 I was thinking of going to another luncheon today, but I slept in past 9:30 and couldn't get it together in time to go.
 Delaware Hospice sponsors a luncheon every Thursday at various restaurants in Sussex Co, this week's being at a diner in Long Neck which is about 25 minutes from here. It is a less formal setting so I think I will try to make it next week.
 I feel that  am truly benefiting from the group and it is helping me to put other aspects of my life together.
 Grief is not just sadness, it is confusion. lack of concentration, sometimes guilt, anger and an entire range of other emotions.
 It explains a lot of feelings I have been having for years going back to the passing of Daddy, and later Lou and Mom only 6 weeks apart.
 I never was able to fully grieve those deaths because they were so close together..overwhelming...I just felt hopeless, useless, and stopped caring about myself.I was hurting but I didn't know how to deal with it..
 I couldn't even bring myself to help clean out my Mother's house because I would get caught up in just looking at her stuff and wondering why she chose to keep certain things. I would sit on the floor and cry. Jim did not offer to participate at all and that hurt me too.
 I think my self esteem plummeted when Jim didn't recognize my depression and inability to leave the house to look for work. I was frozen in fear of rejection and I could not bear another rejection/loss.
 I was not able to accept myself as a responsible desirable loving person. He pushed me away. He showed no affection.I sunk lower and lower.
 It became much worse when Betty became ill and moved in. Jim did not discuss it with me, it was a take it or leave it deal because "That's what the Sanders do", in the words of my biggest critic who literally did nothing to help.
 That is where the deep resentment started. Some days I hated Jim for not getting it. Our lives changed so dramatically. We stopped socializing, going out to dinner or even watching TV together. We tried therapy, but he did nothing to contribute to bring us closer. We had many angry and hateful exchanges during this time Betty did nothing to allow us some private space together. 24/7 She was in the middle of our lives no more that 10 ft. away at all times.
 I loved Betty for the sweet person she was but she was meddlesome. She dominated Jim's life over OUR life together and it became an ongoing issue.
 At one point I asked her to leave as she was not in critical condition, showing no ill effects of the treatment and was still driving, shopping and walking the dog daily. She did, but then she chose to have an unnecessary surgery which even the Oncologist discouraged as her quality of life was still good.
 She never regained her strength after that, and she truly need us then. I understood that, and I accepted her with love and compassion. I cared for her until the end, with the help of Delaware Hospice when she finally surrendered. The only time I saw the granddaughters was when her sisters were coming down to say goodbye. That's when they showed up...good photo op.
  Now I am beginning to understand why I was/am such a wreck..I was grieving all this time. Then with Jim's diagnosis and the 5 long years of up and down I am amazed I am standing at all....
 I am hoping to put Joy back in my life..